More than two, less than four...just three simple words bring the world crashing to the ground. "I love you", she said, and afterward nothing was the same. "I love you", he said, and since then the fire in his chest has continued to grow. "I love you", was all that they ever had but it was never enough to carry them along. It should be a blossoming flower, love, colorful and fragrant like a summer rose. But as the days begin to shorten, and the evening shadows fall less on light and more on the darkness, love wains and struggles for life.
I know what it feels like to love. I love the woman I married like no other human being on earth. I love my child as to love life itself. And the baby...ahh, the eyes of that grand and joyous being make me realize that love is a true and wondrous thing. But I have begun to see through all these thinly veiled layers that cover my mind and am realizing my allowance of love may be at its end. I don't think it's unreasonable to believe we only get "so much" love in our lifetime. That the number of people who will wander in and out of our love is finite is a simpler explanation for loneliness than any alternative. So I am embracing it and trying to figure out how to cope. Like a man on his death bed I can say, "I have loved a good life." I don't like it, mind you. I want to dream and hope eternal for something much more romantic than this. -JF
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The Space Between
A month has almost gone by since my last post. So much has happened in that time, it makes my head spin. It amazes me that so much can happen in these short spans of time, and then how deep the space between seems to be.
I went from #2 to #5 on my Afghanistan journey. Papers and waiting seems to be the order of every day that I am involved in it. It's certainly frustrating but during the lapses I have been able to examine how I feel about it all. So the time I wait isn't wasted, I suppose. But it sure feels like I'm waiting for the world to change, and I don't like it.
I took a trip, both physically and spiritually. I saw family and friends with the intention of it being a goodbye visit. Nothing I did felt like goodbye though. I think it must be because I did it once before and so now the people I want to hold on to are used to having me gone. It's striking that my existence to the people I love can be fleeting. I'm sure it only feels like that to me though. I met someone new and also tried to spark something from the past. It worked out just as I thought it would actually, meaning it didn't work out at all. I'm being selfish that way, i.e. trying to keep my heart busy until the very last moment. It's not fair and I know it, especially since I can't seem to shake this lingering red fog that's clouded my mind for months now. I'm resigned to it now I guess.
I have been living like I am on borrowed time this whole summer. I know it may be my last at home for a while and so I feel like I need to do anything and everything I can imagine. I made my pact to live life like I was dying but this feels very different. That was supposed to be more of a life credo. But this summer has seemed like a frantic chase for something that eludes me. Happiness maybe? Contentment at the very least? Surely it's all just something to fill the space between here and there...whatever that may be.
I went from #2 to #5 on my Afghanistan journey. Papers and waiting seems to be the order of every day that I am involved in it. It's certainly frustrating but during the lapses I have been able to examine how I feel about it all. So the time I wait isn't wasted, I suppose. But it sure feels like I'm waiting for the world to change, and I don't like it.
I took a trip, both physically and spiritually. I saw family and friends with the intention of it being a goodbye visit. Nothing I did felt like goodbye though. I think it must be because I did it once before and so now the people I want to hold on to are used to having me gone. It's striking that my existence to the people I love can be fleeting. I'm sure it only feels like that to me though. I met someone new and also tried to spark something from the past. It worked out just as I thought it would actually, meaning it didn't work out at all. I'm being selfish that way, i.e. trying to keep my heart busy until the very last moment. It's not fair and I know it, especially since I can't seem to shake this lingering red fog that's clouded my mind for months now. I'm resigned to it now I guess.
I have been living like I am on borrowed time this whole summer. I know it may be my last at home for a while and so I feel like I need to do anything and everything I can imagine. I made my pact to live life like I was dying but this feels very different. That was supposed to be more of a life credo. But this summer has seemed like a frantic chase for something that eludes me. Happiness maybe? Contentment at the very least? Surely it's all just something to fill the space between here and there...whatever that may be.
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