Skewered

OK, July is half over. It's the 15th and my race for an acceptable BMI is mother effing close!! I've lost 12 pounds so far and have been doing really well on my diet and torture...er, uh...I mean exercise plan. I've been to the gym 6 out of every 7 days since I came back, and the Atkins thing is still working although it's slowed down a bit this week. I think they call it a plateau...my weight loss is plateauing. How queer does that sound? I guess my Man Card doesn't matter right now because I am going for broke here. So in ten days I will contact my recruiter and see where to go from there.

I'm still staying with Lori but it's not getting any easier. To say whatever "relationship" we have is straining is an understatement. We are totally different people with polar opposite approaches to life. She'd say otherwise, but that's one of the things that makes us so different...I see two sides to every story and she only see the rainbow colored side. Someday you're going to read this Lori and know what I mean, and I'm sorry for spelling it out here for the world to see. But the way things are right now as I write this, I can't do it any other way.

I am looking for a different way to live out the next few weeks. I have compromised my beliefs and my morals out of a skewed sense of necessity. (I can convince myself of anything once I set my mind to it.) I'm hurting people as I go along and I can't brush it aside any longer. This just isn't who I am. I'm sorry.

I miss the Red Letters, very much.

-JF

The Desert In My Mind

It's July 3rd and I've been to the desert and back. Well, not exactly to "The Desert"...but to the one that exists mostly in my mind.

I left a week ago for Reno and training with Company B so I could go work in Baghdad finally. But after just two days they sent me home. It seems I'm not as physically fit as they'd like a guy who will carry a gun for them to be. So I ate some room service, signed some forms, and got back on a plane and came home. I came home to no house, all my shit in storage, no money, and needing to lose 20 pounds in 30 days. I swear I live the strangest life of anyone I know!

And let's chat a second about the weirdest thing of all to happen to me in the past 7 days. How does moving in with a woman I wasn't even seeing 3 weeks ago sound? Like a great decision...like a splendid plan...like a fucking lunatic's dream? Well, that's exactly what I did. It's equal parts necessity and pure, unadulterated selfishness actually. I can't go back to my house because it's void of all my belongings and will be rented out this week. And I can't really spend a month on John and Paula's couch. I could go live in Salem or Sutherlin I guess...but that wagon wheel has broken spokes. So I moved in with the woman I have been seeing off and on for a few months. More off than on lately though. I actually like her...but not well enough to shack up. No, certainly not well enough to become roommates. But that's just what I did, and Jesus do I feel guilty as hell about it! It should have wrapped up nicely last week before I left. We got a great hotel room downtown and had a happy little party and hotel room sex. We said all the usual things and had a heartfelt goodbye. And then I left. But no...not in The World According to Jim. In my world crap doesn't roll into a nice, tight spiral. It never can be so simple. So here I lay in her bed blogging as she sleeps off the vodka dousing she gave herself earlier tonight on stage. Perfect!

Let's see, how about some good news though? Well, I've lost 6 pounds this week on the crash Atkins diet and miles and miles of elliptic machine torture. So the 20 I needed to lose on Monday is now just 14. Thank God for small miracles. I may just actually make it to the desert yet! And the kids will be in town next week for a nice long visit. That's really good news because I missed not seeing them before I "left" last week. I'll actually get to see Caden for his 2nd birthday, and take Courtney to the horse races in Boise! Other than those things there really isn't much to be cheery about. But I feel better for have written something here about it all. Shit, it doesn't mean a damn thing...but then when has it ever?

-JF