Frame of Mind

May 20, 2011.

It's been almost a year since I started trying to get back to the desert. Finally, a job offer has come through. I'm relieved to be getting back to work, bummed I am going to Baghdad and not Kabul, and mixed about the direction I'm headed in general.

I was offered a spot in the group deploying in just less than 2 weeks. But I declined it because I have too much preparation to do and need more time. I'm hoping I can put them off for at least 30 days, that way I can button up the house and get it ready to rent, take care of my bills, see friends and family, etc. I had almost forgotten how contracting waits for no one. 10 days notice to pack up your life and move across the world is about standard. I'm not in the right frame of mind for that kind of living yet. But I will be.

-JF

Shark Week

It's May now and my quest for the desert has stalled, yet again. This time it's company B and the Eqip process. My security clearance was given an "Interim Declination." Doesn't that just have a nice bureaucratic eloquence to it? It means something in my Eqip raised a red flag on the State Dept's computer and now a human has to get involved. They say I will get a phone call in 30 -90 days! Sweet Jesus...3 more months of waiting!? Next month is June and will mark 1 year ago that I applied to go back overseas. One whole freaking year has gone by!

Personally, I have been swimming in more shallow waters lately. I met a nice woman who isn't married and actually seems to like me. She's all the things I could ever want in a woman, seemingly. Which is exactly why I'm suspicious! That's sick and demented, I know. It's beyond bad that I fully expect to screw it up or shove her out of my life the moment my fears or demons come out to play. Maybe I should take a pill or see a shrink about that nasty little habit of mine? Yeah, maybe I should, but I won't. Who am I kidding...the fish swimming around in my end of the pool are beautifully plentiful. But I don't swim with them, I eat them. I am a shark and only know how to do one thing...I kill everything in my path. Kill it dead.

-JF