My Christmas Wish

I'm waiting for you dear, waiting for you to forgive and then come and find me. The smile on your beautiful face, once just a crooked frown, now replaces an emptiness that I'm glad to see leaving. I wanted to hold you that night, as the evening's laughter turned to closed eyes and dreams of better times. I wish now that's all we had...better times to touch each other and fall asleep to the sound of soft breathing. That is my Christmas wish this year. If you only knew...you are always with me, the red star of all my dreams.

-JF

I Miss You

It's impossible to know why. Why do fond memories leave a bittersweet taste in my mouth? Why do I see red ribbons in dark skies? Why do I miss the worst parts about a love that never even existed? It's a mystery to me today, but I do.

-JF

Step 9

I spent the last 13 days in Washington DC. I attended “Selection Orientation and Training” with the company I hope will hire me for Afghanistan. I passed a battery of evaluations and tests, including an oral board and psyche eval. The psychiatrist said I had a bit of a “Superman Complex.” I told him it was tough being a superhero. And then I did a PT test that included a ¼ miles run and obstacle course, both timed. I did the run in decent time and breezed through the O’ Course. After that was all over and done with we settled in for what was supposed to be “the fun stuff.” I spent consecutive days on the shooting range and tactical driving course. They were remedial but still better than sitting in a classroom all day. Then the rest of the week was spent I classes covering assorted topics like “Afghan Cultural History”, “Situational Awareness”, and “Tax Prep for Dumb Contractors.” The tax guy was actually the best course of the whole day! So at week’s end we finished up with some defensive tactics, (for dummies too), and then spent what seemed like an eternity learning about the history of Afghanistan from a very nice man that didn’t realize his mouth was still moving after 8 hours of talking. When they shook my hand and gave me a certificate of completion I was more than ready to bolt out of there and head for the hills! I changed my flight home and stayed a few days on the east coast so I could drive up through Philly and NYC. I guess this whole affair has seemed ho-hum to me because I already did a mission oversees. Most of the 20 or so people in the training class were starry eyed and ready to eat Afghan nails when it was all over with. I, on the other hand, was only ready to hit the road and feed my hunger for change.

I think Johnny Mayer says it best in my ear these days. “Something’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it. Friends..check. Money…check. Well slept…check. Opposite sex…check”. I just don’t feel satisfied these days with the choices I’m making. Going oversees is becoming a burden on my mind. I’m half tempted to scratch the whole thing and buy a hot dog cart and sell dogs in downtown Boise. And my personal life is in complete flux too. I have 4 women, one of them married, in my life right now. Yeah, isn’t that a peach? What kind of idiot would get involved with a married woman at all…much less with a ton of crap already on his plate?! I wanted choices…but Jesus Jim! Why can’t I pick something, or someone, and just go with it? Shit…anyway.

So step 9 of 10 is complete. It’s taken a long time to get here, and I’m not over the last hurdle yet. But I need to document the process. So here I write. Oh yeah…I’ve begun to see shades of Red again and am not sure what to think about it. There’s only one shade on the planet capable of frightening me today and this is it. I may refer back to a Scarlett Letter I once wrote to get some perspective. I don’t know though…it feels kinda ok now. Maybe I’ll just go with it and see what washes out.

-Jim Franks

And I Drive

It’s late and I’m driving home from a rendezvous with someone I’ve been trying to sink emotions and actions into in hopes I’ll forget some of the heavier things weighing on my mind. Her bed squeaks terribly, so the shadows left on the walls above it are more comical than sultry. Sex with her is not satisfying really. She’s a caring woman, but not the kind a man goes to in order to “work things out.” So my drive home is a distracting one. I have the music on but there are no songs playing that catch my attention. In fact, the playlist I have chosen is getting on my nerves. So rather than take the right turn that leads me home, I continue on…driving straight into the night, in search of something that makes me feel alive.

It’s been raining all day and although water is no longer falling, the road is still wet. Not that the Corvette needs dry pavement to function well, but the possibility of sliding into a hillside or wandering deer is still something I am thinking about. I have gone 20 miles away from home in the direction of a route I know will take me out into the countryside and onto long and winding stretches of sodden, sparsely traveled road. Yes, I know exactly where I will go now. A trip I have taken many times on my bike on hot summer days just so I can feel warm wind in my hair. As I leave behind the ridiculous, geriatric speed zones of the last town I will see for 30 miles I grab my mp3 player and choose the perfect playlist. It’s titled “Get Down Rock”, and I created it for times just like this…when I want rock and roll to hurt my eardrums. There it is finally, I can see it…the open road and the sign saying I can now bump up to 60mph. I push my car to 80 and feel her low profile grab at the road like a roller coaster grabbing track. I place my right hand instinctually on the hand brake as my left manipulates the wheel. I want to be able to brake and swerve quickly should I see an animal or on-coming car in my headlights. “But long before having hurt, I’d send the pain below…much like suffocating!”, sings Chevelle as I pass my first “Deer Xing” sign at 90mph. I can feel my car’s roaring heart now. She’s warming up to the idea I have placed in her mind. She is a race horse, like her master, and she loves to run. The road-side scenery is starting to blur. Even in the blackness of a moonless night I can still see the occasional sage or stone in my headlights. But as I concentrate on the road for 100 yards ahead I start to only see reflections staring back at me. A passing mile marker flashes at me and my mind thinks it’s a possum. But I don’t swerve or panic, or slow down. I push now…faster still, until I’m going 100mph. And now the tight curves come that think they can own me. My mind is racing too fast for 45mph, and I am secure in the fact that my horse can traverse this course at any speed she sees fit to. So she hugs them, and I hug her until my knuckles start to hurt and turn white. I’m concentrating too hard now and my head starts to hurt. I need a quick distraction. There’s so much going on in my mind…just pick something:

Oh, how I wish I could kiss you. I imagined my lips sliding on yours and our tongues gently touching. My closed eyes are just a breath away from yours and as I move my head lower to suckle your lower lip my eye lash brushes your cheek. And I touch my eyes there…pressing them into the fleshy skin of your face, almost as if I can see your heart from there if I press hard enough. Your breath is on my face. It’s sweet and warm. And then…

Back on the road I can see tail lights in the distance. At 110mph I can catch that car if I can stay on the road. I make it my mission. Over each small hill I lose sight of him, but then the red eyes reappear, staring at me and taunting me to catch them if I can. Closer and closer they get as another Deer Xing sign flashes by. If I hit a deer at this speed, in this car, this low to the ground…it will surely crush me in my snug little fiberglass cockpit. But I won’t hit a deer…so I press. And then suddenly the lights are gone! Dammit, he turned off before I could catch him. I start to wonder if it’s a lonely Sheriff’s Deputy possibly, out on these back roads for a late night nap. Who else would be turning off out here in the dead of night? But as I pass the spot where I roughly believe he turned off I don’t see a thing. Not a dirt road, not a long driveway, nothing. Maybe some kids found a hide-away to park and fuck at. Lucky devils… And so I go on, steady now between 100mph and 120mph, as the curves permit. I know my turn off towards the bridge that will get me over the nearby river is coming up soon. I need the turn so I can head back towards town. Missing it would mean I’d have to go 60 more miles out of my way because there’s no way I’d ever stop and turn around. The highway sign announcing the turn-off comes just at the right time. My eyes are blurry and my head is hurting from squinting and concentrating on what I don’t want to run out in front of me. As I slow to turn I open the window to give myself a dose of fresh air and to wave my hand outside. I want to feel the moist night on my skin. On my skin…

Will it be cold in Afghanistan like it was in Iraq during the winter? I think it must be colder. I remember what that dusty, pungent desert air felt like on my skin. The smell of it, the taste it left in my mouth, is something I’ll never forget. Why do I want to go again into something that I have never felt on my skin before? Do I need it like a fighter needs to feel leather on his hands, or a mother needs to feel a baby in her womb? Sometimes I think so. Sometimes I think that’s the man I was always meant to be…an adventurer, an explorer, someone that always needs to feel something fresh. I’m not sure though. I wish…

And then the bridge is there in front of me. “I’m the generator, firing whenever you quit. Yeah, whatever it is…you go out and it’s on. Yeah, can’t you hear my motored heart…you’re the one who started it.” The Foo Fighters sing to me now. I love this song so I fly over the river singing along at the top of my lungs. Up the hill now on the other side is a passing lane. I’ve been taking up the whole road for the last 20 miles anyway, but this extra wide section gives me great comfort. There are no lines holding me in, no colored paint to keep me from using every inch that I need. Up and up out of the river valley I climb, I want to hit 125mph if I can but the end of the extra lane comes too soon and I can’t quite get there. Aha…there they are! Taillights in the distance taunt me again. I know this stretch is long and straight. I know out here there’s nothing but road and rocks so I push now for 125. 8 cylinders of American made muscle make a beautiful sound when you whip them. My foot presses down on the pedal and the horses underneath the hood raise their heads and howl at me! The red eyes are coming straight at me and I can see they sit too tall and wide to be a car. Good…no cop was about to get me up his ass. I make out the high back of some kind of trailer…a tractor trailer, maybe a cement truck? It doesn’t matter because I’m not slowing down to care. With 100 yard to go I quickly swerve into the opposing lane and begin my assault on the red tail lights. As I fly by, the 4 extra tires of the grain truck spray me with road water. I laugh out loud at the thought of the truck driver’s face as he barely has time to see me approach then scream by him. I’m sure he’s muttering “fucking idiot” as I go, and go, and go…

Am I making the biggest mistake of my life leaving again? I have come to really enjoy my meandering lifestyle. I have met and dated so many women in the last year that I’ve finally lost count. I traveled all over the west seeing things I may never get to again. I explored the Yucatan Peninsula like it was my own backyard. Hell, I have been a regular Christopher Fucking Columbus! But there’s got to be more right? I can’t do this forever can I? Why would I even want to? I started out 3 years ago in search of the Jim that I was meant to be. I feel so close to finding him. I think I must go back to the desert in order to do so. But what if I just…

Here comes the turn at Lakeshore Drive. Should I be really fucking stupid and take the winding road around the lake back into Caldwell? Of course I should. It’s a goddamn wildlife refuge, in the dark of night, with no moon, during hunting season! Why wouldn’t I drive as fast as I can around the lake? As I make the turn, Incubus now croons to me, “I dig my toes into the sand, the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless, and in this moment I am happy, happy. I … wish you were here.” It’s the perfect song to take me into the final leg of my midnight race. These curves are sharp, some as hard as to even suggest 25mph as the best speed. But I just can’t do it. I can’t get up over 75mph either, but I run fast enough to push me into the door as I go through the motions. I can’t hear my tires straining against the pavement because the stereo is too loud. But I imagine it, and I imagine the men and women in the few houses I roar past sitting up in bed asking, “What the hell was that?” Lots of Deer Xing signs now…one at every corner. I have to swerve to miss bloody red road kill, left behind by the racer before me. And now I see real eyes passing in the culverts and bushes along the side of the road. Mr. Fox or Mrs. Badger better stay put if they want to see the sunrise again. I don’t want that kind of damage to my rocket ship, but I wouldn’t stop to avoid it either. Hard right-hard left, straight away. Hard left-hard right, straight away. And so it goes until I am around the lake and fast approaching the stop sign that I know signals the end of my dream. There it is…just ahead now. I made it safely. My head hurts from the noise and excitement. My hands hurt from holding on to car parts too tightly. My eyes are blurry from squinting into the dark in search of obstacles to avoid. And as I roll to a stop I realize I am extremely tired now. 45 minutes earlier I couldn’t imagine sleeping until I could see the sun crest the horizon. But just like that, my mind and body are tired, almost exhausted in fact. I make the right turn onto the dam and as I cross it I give one last thought to my journey…the one I’m on and the one ahead, Audioslave sings to me, “Someone falls to pieces sleeping all alone, someone kills the pain, spinning in the silence, just finally drifts away. Someone gets excited in the chapel yard, catches a bouquet. Another lays a dozen white roses on a grave. And to be yourself is all that you can do…” Chris Cornell always knows just how to say the right thing to me.

10 minutes later I back into my garage. Part of me can’t believe the stupidity of what I just did. Part of me doesn’t give a shit. But the biggest part is smiling because I feel alive. I may not know where I’m going, or have all the answers to my life’s hard questions…but dammit I am alive and can still feel the beating heart in my chest! For now it’s enough. For now it’s what I have and I am going to ride it out because that’s just what I do.

-Jim Franks

The Engine Spins Up

In a matter of weeks moved on to step #8 of my journey to Afghanistan. I received my official invite to attend Selection Training in Virginia next month. It's 10 days straight of training and evaluation by the company. Along the way there will be pass/fail things that could get me sent home before the ten days is up. We'll do a PT test, some shooting, some tactical driving, and lots of classroom time. I'm excited to go since it will serve as a getaway for me too that someone else is going to pay for. I've still got lots to do though, both professionally and personally, before I can be cleared and ready to go. It's a bit overwhelming.

I am staying with Rita for the week since bringing the baby over for a visit with his grandmas. She reminded me when we were having a chit-chat the other night that I came home from Iraq with a goal in mind. It wasn't to party as hard as I could, or date as many women as humanly possible either. She reminded me that I came home a new man...a different person than the one who had left home in 2007. It took me off guard a bit because after all...she's my X-wife, and any criticism from her will always garner a step-back response first. But I realized that she was right on the money. (I will thank for being honest with me before I leave.) I made a committment to myself to write also.

-JF

A Witch Says

The full moon is here. I can feel it because I can't sleep and I feel edgy. A few months ago I felt pent up and took the Vette out and drove reckless speeds for as far and as long as I could in an effort to purge the feeling. I thought I might need pills or something because I couldn't shake it. But once I realized it was the moon I felt better because I could just roll with it. I think that makes me a nocturnal animal, like a bat or wolf...or a vampire. And to top things off, it's a full moon equinox, which means the seasons are changing too. I feel it. I feel the change in my bones like a blanket wrapped around my body and mind, its edges pulsating and rippling from the movement happening within. The Witch, as she came to be called, says it's a time for reflection and taking stock of the past as they pertain to current events. That assessment feels absolutely correct.

I think God comes to me in any and all forms. He sends me signs and messages of His will. Without them a man like me, who struggles with pure and simple faith, would lose sight of such things. So I keep my mind's eye open for that which may just be the better of my Angels.

-JF

The Train Inches Forward

Well, my recent post about stalling must have jarred someone or something loose in the universe because I woke up today with new instructions for the next step in getting to Afghanistan. Funny how that works, right? Just as hope, and sometimes interest, fade...My Maker finds me and the train inches forward. I wish it would hurry along and get out of the damn intersection!

So Now I move on to the medical and background phase of the process. I have to do another Eqip, which is a State Department background check. I did it before for Iraq and it took at least a month then. So if that standard holds true here I won't be done with it until around Halloween. I have a feeling I am going to be home to eat turkey, trim an Xmas tree, and ring in the new year. It's not ideal because money is becoming an issue. But I have a few rabbits up my sleeve still and can make it work if I must. And I will be able to see CJ2 for the holidays, which makes me very happy. It would be very weird if I deployed in December, which was the same time of year I left for Iraq. It's gotta be part of someone's bigger plan I guess.

John gave me some good advice today. He said I just needed to sit back and let events reveal themselves to me. A psychic once told me that too. In fact, those were her exact words. She said I shouldn't be hasty and to let events reveal themselves to me. Yeah, I went to a psychic once. She told me lots of things actually. Some of them came to fruition, some did not. I think John's advice holds truer though because he meant I should let God reveal events to me. I will try my best to do exactly this.

Angel of God my guardian dear, to whom Gods love commits me here. Ever this day be at my side to light, to guard, to rule, and to guide.

-JF

And She Dances...

How is it that one persons bright side can be the shadow I never get out of? I need you to hear me now...

Don't stop being the light that shined brightly and helped me see things clearly. I needed you just when you came along. There was a reason we met. The way you lived inspired me to look for shallow waters and ways to ford the winding rivers of my mind. You believed in something and strived for better ways to live. Your genuine goodness once caught me off guard because I had lost my faith in people. But you convinced me to believe again and that I didn't have to touch something for it to be real. You gave me faith.

Don't change now...don't do it. Stay the course, please. Another let down would break my heart.

-JF

Stall

Things have stalled and I don't know how to deal with it. My life is a contractor may be over. I haven't heard a word for well over a month now. It can only mean I'm no longer being considered. I need this contract, need money to live on, and more than anything...need to get busy working the plan. Here's the thing though; I feel a bit relieved not to have to go now. Yes, I will have to do something for money, but I can find something here at home. There's a giant part of me that feels relief, which means I never really wanted to go...right?

It Says I Love You

More than two, less than four...just three simple words bring the world crashing to the ground. "I love you", she said, and afterward nothing was the same. "I love you", he said, and since then the fire in his chest has continued to grow. "I love you", was all that they ever had but it was never enough to carry them along. It should be a blossoming flower, love, colorful and fragrant like a summer rose. But as the days begin to shorten, and the evening shadows fall less on light and more on the darkness, love wains and struggles for life.

I know what it feels like to love. I love the woman I married like no other human being on earth. I love my child as to love life itself. And the baby...ahh, the eyes of that grand and joyous being make me realize that love is a true and wondrous thing. But I have begun to see through all these thinly veiled layers that cover my mind and am realizing my allowance of love may be at its end. I don't think it's unreasonable to believe we only get "so much" love in our lifetime. That the number of people who will wander in and out of our love is finite is a simpler explanation for loneliness than any alternative. So I am embracing it and trying to figure out how to cope. Like a man on his death bed I can say, "I have loved a good life." I don't like it, mind you. I want to dream and hope eternal for something much more romantic than this. -JF

The Space Between

A month has almost gone by since my last post. So much has happened in that time, it makes my head spin. It amazes me that so much can happen in these short spans of time, and then how deep the space between seems to be.

I went from #2 to #5 on my Afghanistan journey. Papers and waiting seems to be the order of every day that I am involved in it. It's certainly frustrating but during the lapses I have been able to examine how I feel about it all. So the time I wait isn't wasted, I suppose. But it sure feels like I'm waiting for the world to change, and I don't like it.

I took a trip, both physically and spiritually. I saw family and friends with the intention of it being a goodbye visit. Nothing I did felt like goodbye though. I think it must be because I did it once before and so now the people I want to hold on to are used to having me gone. It's striking that my existence to the people I love can be fleeting. I'm sure it only feels like that to me though. I met someone new and also tried to spark something from the past. It worked out just as I thought it would actually, meaning it didn't work out at all. I'm being selfish that way, i.e. trying to keep my heart busy until the very last moment. It's not fair and I know it, especially since I can't seem to shake this lingering red fog that's clouded my mind for months now. I'm resigned to it now I guess.

I have been living like I am on borrowed time this whole summer. I know it may be my last at home for a while and so I feel like I need to do anything and everything I can imagine. I made my pact to live life like I was dying but this feels very different. That was supposed to be more of a life credo. But this summer has seemed like a frantic chase for something that eludes me. Happiness maybe? Contentment at the very least? Surely it's all just something to fill the space between here and there...whatever that may be.

Independece Day

At some point we all gain our independence. As boys or as men, we all get to a place in our lives where the freedom to make choices becomes our very own. I remember as a boy understanding for the first time that my mother no longer had the power to control me in the way I had grown to believe was permanent. It was a simple thing really, a simple action I made that changed my life forever. I took a coca-cola from the refrigerator without asking her first. I can remember like it was yesterday the feeling and understanding that I wouldn't really get into trouble if I took the coke and drank it without her knowing. I understood for the first time that the bigger picture was more significant than the smaller one. It was a liberating feeling that so far in life has served me both well and disastrously.

Today, as a man, I often feel that same realization I felt as a boy holding that coke can. I know more often than not life won't come crashing down around me if I make the wrong choice. My mother is not looking over my shoulder anymore assuring I will choose the right path. Maybe it's her lasting impression that helps to guide me these days and shows me temperance when I need it most. Or maybe it's the hand of God leading me down a road I will never see to the end of. Or maybe it's just fate slapping me on the back from time to time, letting me know there is no rhyme or reason for any of it. So much can and has happened that I know deep down it must be a silly combination of all the above that really holds the true meaning to my independence.

-JF

A Thief's Fortnight

No man had come or gone in a fortnight. Had The Keeper known when the thief would come he surely would have sealed his Inn up tight. He dreamed about a thief who would come in the dead of night. Like a child she would crawl to him, picking locks along the way. And then she'd slip in and steal away the last pieces of his bleeding red heart. "Sit", she'd say. "Sit, my love and let me show you." He woke from that dream and felt only fear and dread. The days went by, and dreams turned to thoughts, and the pain of thoughts, until a thief's fortnight came. At last, The Keeper was locked away in his fortress Inn with its towering walls of icy stone. Then without a sound, she was there and stole from him his final waking breath. As the air escaped and his cries drowned in the echos of crashing stone, The Keeper closed his eyes and dreamed again of the thief he fears, loves, and hates. Like a siren she calls to him, calls him home and seals his fate.

-JF

Step 2

If the road to Afghanistan were 10 steps long I would be on the second now. I heard from the PAE recruiter and received a slew of documents to have to fill out and send back. I know the drill, I know how long and frustrating this part is going to be. So I don't get too worked up right now about the possibilities.

The summer seems to have just begun. It's getting hot finally and moods are changing from blue to red hot. I want to enjoy it while I can because I know what is coming and how I will miss the people and places I've grown fond of. I have found that I don't have the patience these days for folly and chase. I want only to be around people now that matter the most to me.

I miss Courtney and the baby.

-JF

A Scarlett Letter

This entry is for you. I'm writing it here because I know I'll never say these things in person. If I did you'd just accuse me of something I never intended, or at the very least, of being too dramatic. Drama or dreams, these are the things I want to say. Someday I hope you'll be "ready" to know.

I have fallen for you. I know because I wake up almost every day with some thought of you in my head. I know because you frustrate me to no end. I know because I can see your crooked smile in my minds eye. I know because I think of your kids when I am at the grocery store. I know because I fantasize about your shoulders. I have fallen for you...and the hardest part is that I absolutely don't want to.

When we are together now, in the same room, group, etc., I don't know how to treat you. We are friends, obviously, but there is an undeniable attraction that goes much further than simple friendship. When I kid and razz you like I do all my friends you get your feelings hurt. If I am kind and compassionate like a lover may be you get nervous and uncomfortable. It's only when I flirt shamelessly that you seem to react favorably. I think that's because you have conditioned yourself to this kind of banter as being the only kind that's genuine...meaning if I just want to sleep with you it's OK because that's all any man ever wants from you. You possess so many defenses it makes my head spin.

I'll tell you here, but never face to face, (I have my defenses too...), that your vulnerabilities are one of your endearing qualities. It means to me that you're real on the inside. So many people cover themselves in stone or ice and bury the things deep inside them that make up who they truly are on the outside. Those people are cowards and liars, in my opinion. I can say that because I used to be one of them. In some ways I still hide from myself, but becoming self aware is something I feel I've recently accomplished. So I work from the inside out now in hopes I'll one day cleanse it all. I told you that I felt you were on this road too...that you seemed better now compared to 6 months ago when we first met. As much as it frustrates me to try and interact with your demons, I still take solace knowing you have them and are working towards being the woman you want to be. I love that about you.

Here comes the kicker though...today, as I write this, I know I have to wash my mind of you completely in order to start over. I need to get back to the place where we were just friends. I can't see any other way that you and I can co-exist. We aren't ready to be lovers. That's right, I'm not heaping the whole thing on your shoulders. I am trying to leave again in a few months and know in my heart that I couldn't have you before and then love you from a distance after. It wouldn't be fair to you, the girls, or myself. Sure, we could pretend that a sometimes love affair would be easy, but I know , (and I am certain you do too), that it would never work. The only surety would be several broken hearts. I made that mistake before and cannot do it again. So I have to wash you away from my heart and mind and start over once it's clean. It's not an ideal course of action, it's just the one I know best.

It is my hope that once this Blog is revealed you and I will be in a good place and this letter won't hurt your feelings. I hope, rather, that it sheds light on a past we couldn't talk about at the time and by doing so strengthens our friendship.

-JF

Will I?

And so I ask myself today, "Will I be able to be this man again?" It feels like it's time to find out.

In the last few years so many people have come in and out of my life. I have met so many new people that it hardly seems logical that I knew so many before. But if I am honest with myself I have to admit that I have kept most at an arms length. The old life I walked away from bore old pains and convinced me there was only one life really worth fighting for, and that was my own. But time goes by and the heart heals itself, and so then the pains go away and I find myself longing for the things that I once enjoyed about my old life...the laughter of children, holding hands, and whispering about it all to someone who's mind and soul are connected with mine.

Today I am going to find out. I am taking a giant step forward to see if this old heart of mine is ready to beat inside that man again.

-JF

The Hearts Hard Learning

She stands in front of me crying, naked and her soul exposed. "Where have you been?", she cries. Her lovers eyes are red and in them mirrors a future I am not supposed to see. She is so sad. She is so lonely. She is so scared. I can't be her everything, the one she loves like that. "Oh my dear, my heart is hard learning," I should say aloud, but instead to no one at all. Be my one and only love then, but it's all we will ever have.

There is no love but my heart's hard learning and its need to find a way home. Why do roads lead me back, always back to you.

-JF

Live like I'm Dying

"Today is the last day," a letter from an Angel says when read to me during a dream. She reads aloud, "So live, my love, like you are dying."

I read an article about living life to the absolute fullest. It's not a new concept but one that needs to be revisited at times when life seems a bit surreal. Make every moment count...plant a tree, climb a mountain, visit an old friend, or just watch the sun come up. Life tends to wrap us up and holds on tight until we forget the pleasures of living won't be at our disposal forever. I don't want to forget and plan on making every day of my life count. I may climb a mountain, not necessarily to conquer it...but rather to simply enjoy her view.

-JF

The First Day

I started processing to go work in Afghanistan. It's been a long and difficult choice to make and even now as the emails with instructions on what to fill out and who to send them begin to stream in... I still don't know if it's the right thing to do. When I came home from Baghdad 10 months ago, (damn...has it been that long?), I felt in my heart like it was time. I was tired of living alone and even more tired of the desert. It was said by many that the desert stays inside you and that once there she never lets you forget. I don't know if I love her like that. I have often longed for her wondrous views and to feel her searing heat on my skin again. But I can't help but think she hurt me somehow. Not that pain has ever been a reason to keep me away from love, but it would certainly seem I'd yearn for something more from this particular lover. So anyway, here I am again, despite it all...my feet at the edge and my eyes searching the chasm for her stare.

I know it will take months from this point to send resume's and get physicals and background checks, etc., completed. I feel like I need to hurry and do the things here at home that I have wanted to do but haven't. I have yet to take my American Road Trip and that is weighing heavy on my mind. It's so strange how being away from home makes me feel so good now. I am literally never as happy as I am when I am somewhere other than home. So I must hit the road soon or suffer for not making the time.

I have also decided it wouldn't be fair to meet new women now as "dates" knowing good and well I may be gone by the end of summer. I have so many friends that I am confident I can find a "date" should a need arise. But looking for love is no longer going to be possible. Well, I guess that may be an over statement since love always looks for us whether we want to find it or not. And I don't know now if that has ever been my goal really. But that subject is a blog for another time.

It's raining here today but it's a storm of another kind I feel looming. Something is coming...
-JF

The Strength to Be Strong

I write because I have to not because I want to. It's taken me 9 months to figure that out. If God spoke to you and told you the one thing He wanted was for you to just write down what you see and think and feel, would you do it? And then would that be desire or necessity driving you?

My name is Jim and I write because I have to. Necessity drives me to express myself through written words. I have written quite a bit in the last 2 1/2 years. Some of it was for public consumption, but some of it I kept hidden. Blogging is certainly no way to hide but it's time now to at least feel strong enough to write until I figure out how to actually be a strong writer. This is number one, the first of as many to come that I can manage.

I created this blog back in March but haven't written one word here until now. No one knows about me really, about the things I have done and seen. No one knows I am here writing now or that I will hit the publish button in a few minutes and send my thoughts out to anyone and everyone. I have so much to say though that I hope I can get it out without distraction. Here in Cyberspace I can remain anonymous because I don't have to care. So for right now I will simply say that...All is Well.
-JF