Choking

A dear friend of mine told me recently that some of my thoughts and words were choking our relationship. As those words were pouring into my ears and filtering down into my brain I couldn't really understand what she was saying. I could see her mouth moving, and the sounds vibrating off my inner ear could almost be made out to be English. But nothing sunk in. Not one single word or thought she tried to convey made a dent in on my mind. Not until today, that is. I've been sitting here today thinking about all the things going on in my life. I have so much crap stacked up on the tarmac waiting to launch that if they were all to explode at once the color brown would become my new mental wallpaper. To say that I feel like I'm choking is an absolute understatement.

Springtime

A month has passed and there's a week to go until spring arrives. But it's still only Friday, no matter what time of year it is.

I'm missing out on something tonight that I can't seem to put my finger on. Whether it's the companionship of someone warm, or maybe just the counsel of a good friend. It feels like the ground opens and closes daily now for me. Each time it swallows a little more of my spirit. Once I figure out how to keep 5 or so steps ahead of the tear I should be just fine.

I breath a sigh of exasperated air from my lungs as I write this. Another opportunity to make money is approaching and I absolutely do not want it. I am in love with a woman whom I can't stay friends with for more than 3 weeks at a time. My money is running out. My car is broke down. The earth is shaking and washing away it's pain. And I can't even write the name of the one and only person who holds the key to all my mazes. She is so far way and I miss her, and I love her dearly.

But it's springtime and flowers are blooming in my yard. I am almost thrilled at the prospects.

-JF