A Thief's Fortnight

No man had come or gone in a fortnight. Had The Keeper known when the thief would come he surely would have sealed his Inn up tight. He dreamed about a thief who would come in the dead of night. Like a child she would crawl to him, picking locks along the way. And then she'd slip in and steal away the last pieces of his bleeding red heart. "Sit", she'd say. "Sit, my love and let me show you." He woke from that dream and felt only fear and dread. The days went by, and dreams turned to thoughts, and the pain of thoughts, until a thief's fortnight came. At last, The Keeper was locked away in his fortress Inn with its towering walls of icy stone. Then without a sound, she was there and stole from him his final waking breath. As the air escaped and his cries drowned in the echos of crashing stone, The Keeper closed his eyes and dreamed again of the thief he fears, loves, and hates. Like a siren she calls to him, calls him home and seals his fate.

-JF

Step 2

If the road to Afghanistan were 10 steps long I would be on the second now. I heard from the PAE recruiter and received a slew of documents to have to fill out and send back. I know the drill, I know how long and frustrating this part is going to be. So I don't get too worked up right now about the possibilities.

The summer seems to have just begun. It's getting hot finally and moods are changing from blue to red hot. I want to enjoy it while I can because I know what is coming and how I will miss the people and places I've grown fond of. I have found that I don't have the patience these days for folly and chase. I want only to be around people now that matter the most to me.

I miss Courtney and the baby.

-JF

A Scarlett Letter

This entry is for you. I'm writing it here because I know I'll never say these things in person. If I did you'd just accuse me of something I never intended, or at the very least, of being too dramatic. Drama or dreams, these are the things I want to say. Someday I hope you'll be "ready" to know.

I have fallen for you. I know because I wake up almost every day with some thought of you in my head. I know because you frustrate me to no end. I know because I can see your crooked smile in my minds eye. I know because I think of your kids when I am at the grocery store. I know because I fantasize about your shoulders. I have fallen for you...and the hardest part is that I absolutely don't want to.

When we are together now, in the same room, group, etc., I don't know how to treat you. We are friends, obviously, but there is an undeniable attraction that goes much further than simple friendship. When I kid and razz you like I do all my friends you get your feelings hurt. If I am kind and compassionate like a lover may be you get nervous and uncomfortable. It's only when I flirt shamelessly that you seem to react favorably. I think that's because you have conditioned yourself to this kind of banter as being the only kind that's genuine...meaning if I just want to sleep with you it's OK because that's all any man ever wants from you. You possess so many defenses it makes my head spin.

I'll tell you here, but never face to face, (I have my defenses too...), that your vulnerabilities are one of your endearing qualities. It means to me that you're real on the inside. So many people cover themselves in stone or ice and bury the things deep inside them that make up who they truly are on the outside. Those people are cowards and liars, in my opinion. I can say that because I used to be one of them. In some ways I still hide from myself, but becoming self aware is something I feel I've recently accomplished. So I work from the inside out now in hopes I'll one day cleanse it all. I told you that I felt you were on this road too...that you seemed better now compared to 6 months ago when we first met. As much as it frustrates me to try and interact with your demons, I still take solace knowing you have them and are working towards being the woman you want to be. I love that about you.

Here comes the kicker though...today, as I write this, I know I have to wash my mind of you completely in order to start over. I need to get back to the place where we were just friends. I can't see any other way that you and I can co-exist. We aren't ready to be lovers. That's right, I'm not heaping the whole thing on your shoulders. I am trying to leave again in a few months and know in my heart that I couldn't have you before and then love you from a distance after. It wouldn't be fair to you, the girls, or myself. Sure, we could pretend that a sometimes love affair would be easy, but I know , (and I am certain you do too), that it would never work. The only surety would be several broken hearts. I made that mistake before and cannot do it again. So I have to wash you away from my heart and mind and start over once it's clean. It's not an ideal course of action, it's just the one I know best.

It is my hope that once this Blog is revealed you and I will be in a good place and this letter won't hurt your feelings. I hope, rather, that it sheds light on a past we couldn't talk about at the time and by doing so strengthens our friendship.

-JF

Will I?

And so I ask myself today, "Will I be able to be this man again?" It feels like it's time to find out.

In the last few years so many people have come in and out of my life. I have met so many new people that it hardly seems logical that I knew so many before. But if I am honest with myself I have to admit that I have kept most at an arms length. The old life I walked away from bore old pains and convinced me there was only one life really worth fighting for, and that was my own. But time goes by and the heart heals itself, and so then the pains go away and I find myself longing for the things that I once enjoyed about my old life...the laughter of children, holding hands, and whispering about it all to someone who's mind and soul are connected with mine.

Today I am going to find out. I am taking a giant step forward to see if this old heart of mine is ready to beat inside that man again.

-JF

The Hearts Hard Learning

She stands in front of me crying, naked and her soul exposed. "Where have you been?", she cries. Her lovers eyes are red and in them mirrors a future I am not supposed to see. She is so sad. She is so lonely. She is so scared. I can't be her everything, the one she loves like that. "Oh my dear, my heart is hard learning," I should say aloud, but instead to no one at all. Be my one and only love then, but it's all we will ever have.

There is no love but my heart's hard learning and its need to find a way home. Why do roads lead me back, always back to you.

-JF

Live like I'm Dying

"Today is the last day," a letter from an Angel says when read to me during a dream. She reads aloud, "So live, my love, like you are dying."

I read an article about living life to the absolute fullest. It's not a new concept but one that needs to be revisited at times when life seems a bit surreal. Make every moment count...plant a tree, climb a mountain, visit an old friend, or just watch the sun come up. Life tends to wrap us up and holds on tight until we forget the pleasures of living won't be at our disposal forever. I don't want to forget and plan on making every day of my life count. I may climb a mountain, not necessarily to conquer it...but rather to simply enjoy her view.

-JF

The First Day

I started processing to go work in Afghanistan. It's been a long and difficult choice to make and even now as the emails with instructions on what to fill out and who to send them begin to stream in... I still don't know if it's the right thing to do. When I came home from Baghdad 10 months ago, (damn...has it been that long?), I felt in my heart like it was time. I was tired of living alone and even more tired of the desert. It was said by many that the desert stays inside you and that once there she never lets you forget. I don't know if I love her like that. I have often longed for her wondrous views and to feel her searing heat on my skin again. But I can't help but think she hurt me somehow. Not that pain has ever been a reason to keep me away from love, but it would certainly seem I'd yearn for something more from this particular lover. So anyway, here I am again, despite it all...my feet at the edge and my eyes searching the chasm for her stare.

I know it will take months from this point to send resume's and get physicals and background checks, etc., completed. I feel like I need to hurry and do the things here at home that I have wanted to do but haven't. I have yet to take my American Road Trip and that is weighing heavy on my mind. It's so strange how being away from home makes me feel so good now. I am literally never as happy as I am when I am somewhere other than home. So I must hit the road soon or suffer for not making the time.

I have also decided it wouldn't be fair to meet new women now as "dates" knowing good and well I may be gone by the end of summer. I have so many friends that I am confident I can find a "date" should a need arise. But looking for love is no longer going to be possible. Well, I guess that may be an over statement since love always looks for us whether we want to find it or not. And I don't know now if that has ever been my goal really. But that subject is a blog for another time.

It's raining here today but it's a storm of another kind I feel looming. Something is coming...
-JF

The Strength to Be Strong

I write because I have to not because I want to. It's taken me 9 months to figure that out. If God spoke to you and told you the one thing He wanted was for you to just write down what you see and think and feel, would you do it? And then would that be desire or necessity driving you?

My name is Jim and I write because I have to. Necessity drives me to express myself through written words. I have written quite a bit in the last 2 1/2 years. Some of it was for public consumption, but some of it I kept hidden. Blogging is certainly no way to hide but it's time now to at least feel strong enough to write until I figure out how to actually be a strong writer. This is number one, the first of as many to come that I can manage.

I created this blog back in March but haven't written one word here until now. No one knows about me really, about the things I have done and seen. No one knows I am here writing now or that I will hit the publish button in a few minutes and send my thoughts out to anyone and everyone. I have so much to say though that I hope I can get it out without distraction. Here in Cyberspace I can remain anonymous because I don't have to care. So for right now I will simply say that...All is Well.
-JF