A Scarlett Letter

This entry is for you. I'm writing it here because I know I'll never say these things in person. If I did you'd just accuse me of something I never intended, or at the very least, of being too dramatic. Drama or dreams, these are the things I want to say. Someday I hope you'll be "ready" to know.

I have fallen for you. I know because I wake up almost every day with some thought of you in my head. I know because you frustrate me to no end. I know because I can see your crooked smile in my minds eye. I know because I think of your kids when I am at the grocery store. I know because I fantasize about your shoulders. I have fallen for you...and the hardest part is that I absolutely don't want to.

When we are together now, in the same room, group, etc., I don't know how to treat you. We are friends, obviously, but there is an undeniable attraction that goes much further than simple friendship. When I kid and razz you like I do all my friends you get your feelings hurt. If I am kind and compassionate like a lover may be you get nervous and uncomfortable. It's only when I flirt shamelessly that you seem to react favorably. I think that's because you have conditioned yourself to this kind of banter as being the only kind that's genuine...meaning if I just want to sleep with you it's OK because that's all any man ever wants from you. You possess so many defenses it makes my head spin.

I'll tell you here, but never face to face, (I have my defenses too...), that your vulnerabilities are one of your endearing qualities. It means to me that you're real on the inside. So many people cover themselves in stone or ice and bury the things deep inside them that make up who they truly are on the outside. Those people are cowards and liars, in my opinion. I can say that because I used to be one of them. In some ways I still hide from myself, but becoming self aware is something I feel I've recently accomplished. So I work from the inside out now in hopes I'll one day cleanse it all. I told you that I felt you were on this road too...that you seemed better now compared to 6 months ago when we first met. As much as it frustrates me to try and interact with your demons, I still take solace knowing you have them and are working towards being the woman you want to be. I love that about you.

Here comes the kicker though...today, as I write this, I know I have to wash my mind of you completely in order to start over. I need to get back to the place where we were just friends. I can't see any other way that you and I can co-exist. We aren't ready to be lovers. That's right, I'm not heaping the whole thing on your shoulders. I am trying to leave again in a few months and know in my heart that I couldn't have you before and then love you from a distance after. It wouldn't be fair to you, the girls, or myself. Sure, we could pretend that a sometimes love affair would be easy, but I know , (and I am certain you do too), that it would never work. The only surety would be several broken hearts. I made that mistake before and cannot do it again. So I have to wash you away from my heart and mind and start over once it's clean. It's not an ideal course of action, it's just the one I know best.

It is my hope that once this Blog is revealed you and I will be in a good place and this letter won't hurt your feelings. I hope, rather, that it sheds light on a past we couldn't talk about at the time and by doing so strengthens our friendship.

-JF