Step 9

I spent the last 13 days in Washington DC. I attended “Selection Orientation and Training” with the company I hope will hire me for Afghanistan. I passed a battery of evaluations and tests, including an oral board and psyche eval. The psychiatrist said I had a bit of a “Superman Complex.” I told him it was tough being a superhero. And then I did a PT test that included a ¼ miles run and obstacle course, both timed. I did the run in decent time and breezed through the O’ Course. After that was all over and done with we settled in for what was supposed to be “the fun stuff.” I spent consecutive days on the shooting range and tactical driving course. They were remedial but still better than sitting in a classroom all day. Then the rest of the week was spent I classes covering assorted topics like “Afghan Cultural History”, “Situational Awareness”, and “Tax Prep for Dumb Contractors.” The tax guy was actually the best course of the whole day! So at week’s end we finished up with some defensive tactics, (for dummies too), and then spent what seemed like an eternity learning about the history of Afghanistan from a very nice man that didn’t realize his mouth was still moving after 8 hours of talking. When they shook my hand and gave me a certificate of completion I was more than ready to bolt out of there and head for the hills! I changed my flight home and stayed a few days on the east coast so I could drive up through Philly and NYC. I guess this whole affair has seemed ho-hum to me because I already did a mission oversees. Most of the 20 or so people in the training class were starry eyed and ready to eat Afghan nails when it was all over with. I, on the other hand, was only ready to hit the road and feed my hunger for change.

I think Johnny Mayer says it best in my ear these days. “Something’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it. Friends..check. Money…check. Well slept…check. Opposite sex…check”. I just don’t feel satisfied these days with the choices I’m making. Going oversees is becoming a burden on my mind. I’m half tempted to scratch the whole thing and buy a hot dog cart and sell dogs in downtown Boise. And my personal life is in complete flux too. I have 4 women, one of them married, in my life right now. Yeah, isn’t that a peach? What kind of idiot would get involved with a married woman at all…much less with a ton of crap already on his plate?! I wanted choices…but Jesus Jim! Why can’t I pick something, or someone, and just go with it? Shit…anyway.

So step 9 of 10 is complete. It’s taken a long time to get here, and I’m not over the last hurdle yet. But I need to document the process. So here I write. Oh yeah…I’ve begun to see shades of Red again and am not sure what to think about it. There’s only one shade on the planet capable of frightening me today and this is it. I may refer back to a Scarlett Letter I once wrote to get some perspective. I don’t know though…it feels kinda ok now. Maybe I’ll just go with it and see what washes out.

-Jim Franks