My quest for the desert hit yet another snag. To say that I am frustrated or at a whits end is an understatement. I am back, for the 7th time, in the State Dept's background maze. Sending another address and locations on some map of an address...and having to explain my situation all...over...again is the order of the day! Since coming back from DC with high hopes of a looming deployment I have hit an absolute stall. *Sigh*
So I left town last week. Part of my mind needed to stretch and benefit from the fresh perspective that only the open road gives me now. But part of me needed to run away from life on Shelby St. too. I am struggling with a decision that's got me hanging from a rope, ten feet off the ground. I'm getting closer to finding my footing but it's been difficult. I came to Oregon to see friends and get away from the cold for a while. Sitting at home waiting has become so tedious that I must surely be killing the few brain cells I have left. So I deduced waiting here in Oregon would be just as easy. And so far, it has been. I spent the weekend with R&P in Salem and got a huge helping of love from them. My X-Wife has really become a cornerstone friendship in my life. Every time I am with her family I realize anew just how lucky I am to have met that woman 20 years ago. And then I came to see my soul brother, Randy, and his family. It's from his couch that I lay fighting a fever and writing these wee-hour thoughts. I loathe sleeping on a couch. Something about it takes me back in time to an unsettling place, not to mention it's uncomfortable as hell! But I make do because if I don't I won't ever get to fill my heart at this well. If Rita is a cornerstone then Randy is my lighthouse, the beacon that guides my mind, a safe harbor in the raging tempest that is my ridiculous life. I have also been reminded anew this week that spending time with him always is good for my spirit. This is the one and only relationship I have that never looks down a slope at me. I am never judged here, and love is the only order of business my dearest and oldest friend operates with. He is one of a kind and without his friendship I would be a lesser man.
And finally, there is one last sharp turn I have made on this trip. I think loop-d-loop is a better way of describing it actually. But however I describe my love life these days, crazy is the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am crazy for walking the tightrope I'm on now. It's mad to think I've allowed something like this to carry on to the level it's now at. I have done a semi decent job of keeping this woman a secret from the rest of my world. Not because she's unworthy of my adulation. In fact, she might be the woman of my dreams. She's beautiful, exotic, funny, witty, feisty, loving, and...married. Who does that? I do, apparently. I am not proud of my moral stance right now but won't do anything about it because loving her is like touching pure light. She's one of those human beings that "has it." We all know someone like this. They usually come and go in and out of our lives in a blur unless you are lucky enough to catch a ride and are able to hold on for the duration. Well, I've caught my lightning bold and until I can't stand the energy she burns me with I am keeping a firm grip. I say that so confidently...but it's a ruse. It's me who is being held and manipulated. I know it, I admit it here to myself and whoever else will someday read these entries. I don't feel the tug that should force me to stop. I ignore any and all adversity now because I am a junky...a puppy for her love. "Selfish" cannot begin to describe how I am right now. But in the end no description is needed because only God judges me now. I don't have the will power to do it myself.
-JF
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