Being Numb

I took my own advice and left. Yeah, I really showed her, (and myself), who's boss alright! I threw a bag together and left when she wasn't home. A cowards choice? Maybe, but in my own defense I really intended on just leaving for a while to clear my head and had every intention of going back to see what could be salvaged. I left all my things there that wouldn't fit into my bag anyway. But, of course, she decided to dump the last 2 months worth of crap out of her mind into one long email. I asked her over and over to share her thoughts with me, to fight with me, anything that would open up that mind of hers in a way other than to apply make-up. But of course she's the kind of woman that stores and lets things build before they explode in a bevvy of derogatory complaints. So after reading it I said goodbye to her for good. Poor John had to go and get all my things from her place for me. My brother always has my back, but one of these days I will have to clean up my own mess without him.

So I came to Oregon to stay with Rita and Paula for a while. My plan was to stay until I got my plane ticket to head for Baghdad. But, in perfect unison with the storm raging in my head, it's Friday and there is no plane ticket for Sundays supposed departure. Not only is there no ticket, but I haven't been able to get a response from the company for over a week now. Yes, yes, I know I should be used to the Contractors Run-Around...but it's a tune I just can't ever seem to get in step to. Maybe I'm not as good a dancer as I thought I was. I am so...sick...of...this! I know, I should just go get that Walmart Door Greeter job I have heard so many good things about right? I bet the Big W treats their employees much better than these contracting companies do! OK, but I digress. I wanted to say that while here in Oregon I went and spent 4 days on the Shining Star Ranch with Randy. It was a good and mostly pleasant visit. Good because my dearest and oldest friend and I had a chance to bond and clear the air of some unpleasant things that have been clogging up our friendship. And we got to spend a day floating the river and getting some always needed sun too. But that way of living is too hard on me now. I'm not as domesticated as my Zanja Brother is. Someday I pray that he and I will be able to enjoy life on the same page. Until then, we agreed on a base line for our relationship that will never fall below the minimum standard we set for each other long ago as boys playing in the dirt. I love him very much.

And on a similar note, while in Sutherlin I spent a little time with my married X-girlfriend. (That made me laugh to write that.) She's still just as married, and just as unhappy about it, as she ever was. I think I must still love her, although now it doesn't bother me like it used to. She will always be special to me if for no other reason than we shared hallowed ground once. But the poor girl is so unhappy and so unwilling to do anything about it that it just makes me really sad for her. She has the world on its' heels but doesn't have the courage to look down and make it bow. I wish she could see what I see. It was good to see her and put my hands on her skin once more, even if maybe for the final time.

So I guess I am going to spend the remainder of the day trying to figure out how to get a rudder into the water. That demon with the claws came and sunk them in, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. I don't know if that's because they aren't as sharp or maybe I'm just numb to it now. Whatever the reason, I wish I could learn to embrace the pain and lose myself in the sensations until the next time I come up for air. I'll tell ya, these days anything's better than being numb.

-JF

So Act

30 days later I am still home...waiting to go. Is this the story of my life or what!? OK, Update:

My BMI is down under the acceptable % required by the company. My recruiter gave me a date to hit it by and said she'd get me into the group leaving yesterday, August 14, if I made it. Well not only did I make it but I shattered it by 4 pounds! Which means that in the 6 weeks since I got back from Reno I have lost 27 pounds...and 5 pounds more than that since about the week before I left. That's a grand total of 31 muther F*%#$ pounds since the middle of June! But, alas, my recruiter was wrong and she could not get me into that group because come to find out it was already full at 50 people. I think she must have underestimated the power of the elliptical and my love/hate relationship with it. So I have been slotted for the group heading out August 29...two more damn weeks!

It's creeping up on me now...I can feel the demon coming for me. He's the one that sets his claws in my mind right about these times, when things get frustrating and it's as if I might lose control of myself all together. I am very unhappy with the living conditions I have put myself in. Not to mention the relationship that results from it. I am such a coward for staying and not just setting out on my own for however long I need to until I leave. She makes it so easy for me here though, almost as if she knows that to make things any harder would see me leaving. But she's not happy either, not happy with the way I behave towards her most of the time. But I am 99% certain she won't do anything about it because she's not that kind of woman. She won't confront me. She won't complain...not outright anyway. Her passive aggressiveness never goes unnoticed. I let it go unchecked because to do anything about it would be a waist of time. But I always notice when she does it. I have always said that this is the exact kind of woman I never want to be with, yet here I am again. Sound familiar Jim? Two more weeks climbing the walls. Two more weeks of her pawing at me like a dog that doesn't know how to bark for a bone. Two more weeks of the Queen B and her plastic crown and Harley Davidson sensibilities. I can't stand it, or her, or this anymore. I can't do it.

So act. Reach out for something more than what's been at arms length for the past 2 years. Take the next two weeks, hopefully the last two weeks in America for a while, and do something with it.

-JF