Being Numb

I took my own advice and left. Yeah, I really showed her, (and myself), who's boss alright! I threw a bag together and left when she wasn't home. A cowards choice? Maybe, but in my own defense I really intended on just leaving for a while to clear my head and had every intention of going back to see what could be salvaged. I left all my things there that wouldn't fit into my bag anyway. But, of course, she decided to dump the last 2 months worth of crap out of her mind into one long email. I asked her over and over to share her thoughts with me, to fight with me, anything that would open up that mind of hers in a way other than to apply make-up. But of course she's the kind of woman that stores and lets things build before they explode in a bevvy of derogatory complaints. So after reading it I said goodbye to her for good. Poor John had to go and get all my things from her place for me. My brother always has my back, but one of these days I will have to clean up my own mess without him.

So I came to Oregon to stay with Rita and Paula for a while. My plan was to stay until I got my plane ticket to head for Baghdad. But, in perfect unison with the storm raging in my head, it's Friday and there is no plane ticket for Sundays supposed departure. Not only is there no ticket, but I haven't been able to get a response from the company for over a week now. Yes, yes, I know I should be used to the Contractors Run-Around...but it's a tune I just can't ever seem to get in step to. Maybe I'm not as good a dancer as I thought I was. I am so...sick...of...this! I know, I should just go get that Walmart Door Greeter job I have heard so many good things about right? I bet the Big W treats their employees much better than these contracting companies do! OK, but I digress. I wanted to say that while here in Oregon I went and spent 4 days on the Shining Star Ranch with Randy. It was a good and mostly pleasant visit. Good because my dearest and oldest friend and I had a chance to bond and clear the air of some unpleasant things that have been clogging up our friendship. And we got to spend a day floating the river and getting some always needed sun too. But that way of living is too hard on me now. I'm not as domesticated as my Zanja Brother is. Someday I pray that he and I will be able to enjoy life on the same page. Until then, we agreed on a base line for our relationship that will never fall below the minimum standard we set for each other long ago as boys playing in the dirt. I love him very much.

And on a similar note, while in Sutherlin I spent a little time with my married X-girlfriend. (That made me laugh to write that.) She's still just as married, and just as unhappy about it, as she ever was. I think I must still love her, although now it doesn't bother me like it used to. She will always be special to me if for no other reason than we shared hallowed ground once. But the poor girl is so unhappy and so unwilling to do anything about it that it just makes me really sad for her. She has the world on its' heels but doesn't have the courage to look down and make it bow. I wish she could see what I see. It was good to see her and put my hands on her skin once more, even if maybe for the final time.

So I guess I am going to spend the remainder of the day trying to figure out how to get a rudder into the water. That demon with the claws came and sunk them in, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. I don't know if that's because they aren't as sharp or maybe I'm just numb to it now. Whatever the reason, I wish I could learn to embrace the pain and lose myself in the sensations until the next time I come up for air. I'll tell ya, these days anything's better than being numb.

-JF