Direction

November 16, 2008

It’s taken me months to figure a few things out. Today is a day of realization, of self awareness, of change. Its strange how a man can think he’s searching for something and yet the whole time be just going round and round in small circles. I guess finding the truth is all that matters, no matter how long it takes. The truth today for me is that I am alone, making my way in totally uncharted waters…and I am OK.

I left home almost a year ago and thought then that I knew what I was doing. I made the plans, took the steps, and said the goodbyes. But when it came down to it all I really did was launch my little boat into a stormy sea, and the worst part was that I did it without a rudder. I kept a small life line tethered to home to keep me feeling safe and like I knew what I was doing. Truth be told, I was scared to really let go; terrified actually. But what I have wanted all along is to let go and navigate these waters all by myself. It’s why I made the decision to leave. It’s why I quit my career, left my loved ones, left my home and life behind to come and see what and who I really was. And ever since arriving I have felt strongly that this is where I was supposed to be. I’ve never had such a feeling of belonging before. The search for truth is one thing, but the self assuring knowledge that you are on the right path, in the right place, home…is just liberating. But even though I felt this way I still was very scared of the unknown. My life has been filled with so many disappointments that I never thought I could handle another one of this proportion. So I kept my life line tethered to home, to what I believed was safe. I have come to realize that I will never move forward though if I keep looking back at that life line. So with the help of fate and my very best friend…I cut it.

I put my rudder in the water for the first time in the year since I left, and control of direction is now mine. I’m still scared, but it’s what I want so I will turn and face it. Not knowing what life will hold for me feels like I am staring into a giant, black void…yet still being blinded. But I want to do it. I’m not going to look back any more, but keep my head forward and searching for the best path to my new life. I know I won’t navigate my way home until I am ready to. Right now, I am not ready. But when I make the turn for home I will get there under my own power, strong and self assured. The fear I feel is tempered with a sense of pride today. It feels good for the first time in a very long time.

-Jim Franks