The Engine Spins Up

In a matter of weeks moved on to step #8 of my journey to Afghanistan. I received my official invite to attend Selection Training in Virginia next month. It's 10 days straight of training and evaluation by the company. Along the way there will be pass/fail things that could get me sent home before the ten days is up. We'll do a PT test, some shooting, some tactical driving, and lots of classroom time. I'm excited to go since it will serve as a getaway for me too that someone else is going to pay for. I've still got lots to do though, both professionally and personally, before I can be cleared and ready to go. It's a bit overwhelming.

I am staying with Rita for the week since bringing the baby over for a visit with his grandmas. She reminded me when we were having a chit-chat the other night that I came home from Iraq with a goal in mind. It wasn't to party as hard as I could, or date as many women as humanly possible either. She reminded me that I came home a new man...a different person than the one who had left home in 2007. It took me off guard a bit because after all...she's my X-wife, and any criticism from her will always garner a step-back response first. But I realized that she was right on the money. (I will thank for being honest with me before I leave.) I made a committment to myself to write also.

-JF

A Witch Says

The full moon is here. I can feel it because I can't sleep and I feel edgy. A few months ago I felt pent up and took the Vette out and drove reckless speeds for as far and as long as I could in an effort to purge the feeling. I thought I might need pills or something because I couldn't shake it. But once I realized it was the moon I felt better because I could just roll with it. I think that makes me a nocturnal animal, like a bat or wolf...or a vampire. And to top things off, it's a full moon equinox, which means the seasons are changing too. I feel it. I feel the change in my bones like a blanket wrapped around my body and mind, its edges pulsating and rippling from the movement happening within. The Witch, as she came to be called, says it's a time for reflection and taking stock of the past as they pertain to current events. That assessment feels absolutely correct.

I think God comes to me in any and all forms. He sends me signs and messages of His will. Without them a man like me, who struggles with pure and simple faith, would lose sight of such things. So I keep my mind's eye open for that which may just be the better of my Angels.

-JF

The Train Inches Forward

Well, my recent post about stalling must have jarred someone or something loose in the universe because I woke up today with new instructions for the next step in getting to Afghanistan. Funny how that works, right? Just as hope, and sometimes interest, fade...My Maker finds me and the train inches forward. I wish it would hurry along and get out of the damn intersection!

So Now I move on to the medical and background phase of the process. I have to do another Eqip, which is a State Department background check. I did it before for Iraq and it took at least a month then. So if that standard holds true here I won't be done with it until around Halloween. I have a feeling I am going to be home to eat turkey, trim an Xmas tree, and ring in the new year. It's not ideal because money is becoming an issue. But I have a few rabbits up my sleeve still and can make it work if I must. And I will be able to see CJ2 for the holidays, which makes me very happy. It would be very weird if I deployed in December, which was the same time of year I left for Iraq. It's gotta be part of someone's bigger plan I guess.

John gave me some good advice today. He said I just needed to sit back and let events reveal themselves to me. A psychic once told me that too. In fact, those were her exact words. She said I shouldn't be hasty and to let events reveal themselves to me. Yeah, I went to a psychic once. She told me lots of things actually. Some of them came to fruition, some did not. I think John's advice holds truer though because he meant I should let God reveal events to me. I will try my best to do exactly this.

Angel of God my guardian dear, to whom Gods love commits me here. Ever this day be at my side to light, to guard, to rule, and to guide.

-JF

And She Dances...

How is it that one persons bright side can be the shadow I never get out of? I need you to hear me now...

Don't stop being the light that shined brightly and helped me see things clearly. I needed you just when you came along. There was a reason we met. The way you lived inspired me to look for shallow waters and ways to ford the winding rivers of my mind. You believed in something and strived for better ways to live. Your genuine goodness once caught me off guard because I had lost my faith in people. But you convinced me to believe again and that I didn't have to touch something for it to be real. You gave me faith.

Don't change now...don't do it. Stay the course, please. Another let down would break my heart.

-JF

Stall

Things have stalled and I don't know how to deal with it. My life is a contractor may be over. I haven't heard a word for well over a month now. It can only mean I'm no longer being considered. I need this contract, need money to live on, and more than anything...need to get busy working the plan. Here's the thing though; I feel a bit relieved not to have to go now. Yes, I will have to do something for money, but I can find something here at home. There's a giant part of me that feels relief, which means I never really wanted to go...right?

It Says I Love You

More than two, less than four...just three simple words bring the world crashing to the ground. "I love you", she said, and afterward nothing was the same. "I love you", he said, and since then the fire in his chest has continued to grow. "I love you", was all that they ever had but it was never enough to carry them along. It should be a blossoming flower, love, colorful and fragrant like a summer rose. But as the days begin to shorten, and the evening shadows fall less on light and more on the darkness, love wains and struggles for life.

I know what it feels like to love. I love the woman I married like no other human being on earth. I love my child as to love life itself. And the baby...ahh, the eyes of that grand and joyous being make me realize that love is a true and wondrous thing. But I have begun to see through all these thinly veiled layers that cover my mind and am realizing my allowance of love may be at its end. I don't think it's unreasonable to believe we only get "so much" love in our lifetime. That the number of people who will wander in and out of our love is finite is a simpler explanation for loneliness than any alternative. So I am embracing it and trying to figure out how to cope. Like a man on his death bed I can say, "I have loved a good life." I don't like it, mind you. I want to dream and hope eternal for something much more romantic than this. -JF

The Space Between

A month has almost gone by since my last post. So much has happened in that time, it makes my head spin. It amazes me that so much can happen in these short spans of time, and then how deep the space between seems to be.

I went from #2 to #5 on my Afghanistan journey. Papers and waiting seems to be the order of every day that I am involved in it. It's certainly frustrating but during the lapses I have been able to examine how I feel about it all. So the time I wait isn't wasted, I suppose. But it sure feels like I'm waiting for the world to change, and I don't like it.

I took a trip, both physically and spiritually. I saw family and friends with the intention of it being a goodbye visit. Nothing I did felt like goodbye though. I think it must be because I did it once before and so now the people I want to hold on to are used to having me gone. It's striking that my existence to the people I love can be fleeting. I'm sure it only feels like that to me though. I met someone new and also tried to spark something from the past. It worked out just as I thought it would actually, meaning it didn't work out at all. I'm being selfish that way, i.e. trying to keep my heart busy until the very last moment. It's not fair and I know it, especially since I can't seem to shake this lingering red fog that's clouded my mind for months now. I'm resigned to it now I guess.

I have been living like I am on borrowed time this whole summer. I know it may be my last at home for a while and so I feel like I need to do anything and everything I can imagine. I made my pact to live life like I was dying but this feels very different. That was supposed to be more of a life credo. But this summer has seemed like a frantic chase for something that eludes me. Happiness maybe? Contentment at the very least? Surely it's all just something to fill the space between here and there...whatever that may be.