Choking

A dear friend of mine told me recently that some of my thoughts and words were choking our relationship. As those words were pouring into my ears and filtering down into my brain I couldn't really understand what she was saying. I could see her mouth moving, and the sounds vibrating off my inner ear could almost be made out to be English. But nothing sunk in. Not one single word or thought she tried to convey made a dent in on my mind. Not until today, that is. I've been sitting here today thinking about all the things going on in my life. I have so much crap stacked up on the tarmac waiting to launch that if they were all to explode at once the color brown would become my new mental wallpaper. To say that I feel like I'm choking is an absolute understatement.

Springtime

A month has passed and there's a week to go until spring arrives. But it's still only Friday, no matter what time of year it is.

I'm missing out on something tonight that I can't seem to put my finger on. Whether it's the companionship of someone warm, or maybe just the counsel of a good friend. It feels like the ground opens and closes daily now for me. Each time it swallows a little more of my spirit. Once I figure out how to keep 5 or so steps ahead of the tear I should be just fine.

I breath a sigh of exasperated air from my lungs as I write this. Another opportunity to make money is approaching and I absolutely do not want it. I am in love with a woman whom I can't stay friends with for more than 3 weeks at a time. My money is running out. My car is broke down. The earth is shaking and washing away it's pain. And I can't even write the name of the one and only person who holds the key to all my mazes. She is so far way and I miss her, and I love her dearly.

But it's springtime and flowers are blooming in my yard. I am almost thrilled at the prospects.

-JF

26

It's a shorter trip to the bottom from here. It's not quite the middle, but I definitely feel the pressure from both sides. I'll do something about the fall when I figure out exactly what the problem is. For now I'll just float here...in limbo.

Waiting has become too much to bare. The hours are melting into each other and there doesn't seem to be much light. My days have taken a pale hue that make sand and fog seem pleasant by comparison. When I squint my eyes to shut out the pain I can't see anything but the next question. I'd like to see answers again. It hasn't been so long that I forgot what the answers looked like.

-JF

The Next Time

I don't want to find another way to make it through the day without you.

Why can't we stay together? Love finds a way to bring us into its arms. The burn of your soft touch wanes, and then you are suddenly gone. I don't try to understand how it works, how two people can find each other through the din of sadness and clutter. But we did, and now all I can think about is how to make it to the next time.

The next time my hands will hold you. The next time my mouth will breath into yours. The next time my arms will wrap around your waist. The next time your tongue will touch my ear. The next time I will hear you say "Yes."

I'm not that strong.

-JF

Left Turn, Jim

I found an alternate route. A few weeks ago I applied for a security job in Baghdad with a company that a friend turned me on to. It's not what I do. By that I mean it's not what I want to do. It's a static security job on the BIAP, which means I'll be manning an armed post somewhere at one of the hundreds of checkpoints or guard shacks, etc. It pays less...is in Iraq...is a job a monkey could do...and I have no interest in it other than to get a ball rolling. A more stupid plan than this couldn't possibly be hatched!

Afghanistan has stalled yet again. The endless red tape and disorganized way that company operates has me at my wits end. I'm beginning to believe the negative comments I left as "feedback" for the training staff when I was in Virginia are coming back to bite me. I want to have faith in the process and people running it to be professional and apt, but here I sit 8 months into the process and am not any closer than I was 4 months ago.

So I decided to act. Waiting for someone else to decide where my life goes next has become something I am no longer willing to do. I need to believe that I am in control of what happens to me, and the appearance that I am doing something about it is just as important to my mental health as anything else I do now. No, I'm not going loony. But I believe now that feeling powerless is just as bad.

So I'm taking now what I hope will be the first step in a series of alternate routes. That's all life is, after all...just a series of left turns.

-JF

I Have A Secret

If a woman wrote a best selling novel about the secret to life's success and marketed it for all the worlds dummies to read...would I buy it? No. I have my own secrets, some of which would fetch 19.99 from Barnes and Noble too. I could put my secrets on a DVD and sell them to people looking for the DVD titled, "Secrets For Dummies." I could hire actors to portray "visionaries" and "philosophers" in the movie I make millions on. And I'm sure if I searched hard enough I could find quotes from famous dead people that would lend credo to my book of secrets. But it's not like that, I don't have a degree in marketing or psychiatry. I can't take advantage of the hordes of people out there searching for the quick fix to their broken dreams. I wish I could...I really do.

But alas, all I have are the notes I've made about living my life and keeping the secrets of it to myself. I don't believe there is a quick fix for what ails us. I don't think that we can simply will away our problems by crossing our legs and touching our thumbs and fingers together. Sure, I believe in the power of positive thinking. But I'm not gonna hold out hope that it brings me the winning lottery numbers. No, that would be just good old fashioned dumb luck, which has already bopped me on the head plenty of times in my day. And I didn't have to buy a book or DVD for the to have happened.

Here's the secret to my life: I believe in God. Yeah, it's that simple. I don't go out and recruit people to fight in His army or anything like that. Heck, I don't even go to church. I just do my best to believe and to live the life I am supposed to according to His plan. That's the secret. Or should I say...that's My Secret? Save your pennies because this revelation is free of charge.

-JF

An Old Town's Loop

At 3am, no one cares the color of my thoughts. I don't want to know where she's gonna take me. I don't mind if her window shades are only painted blue. I don't even care if you really love me, just take me home with you.

-JF