The Desert In My Mind

It's July 3rd and I've been to the desert and back. Well, not exactly to "The Desert"...but to the one that exists mostly in my mind.

I left a week ago for Reno and training with Company B so I could go work in Baghdad finally. But after just two days they sent me home. It seems I'm not as physically fit as they'd like a guy who will carry a gun for them to be. So I ate some room service, signed some forms, and got back on a plane and came home. I came home to no house, all my shit in storage, no money, and needing to lose 20 pounds in 30 days. I swear I live the strangest life of anyone I know!

And let's chat a second about the weirdest thing of all to happen to me in the past 7 days. How does moving in with a woman I wasn't even seeing 3 weeks ago sound? Like a great decision...like a splendid plan...like a fucking lunatic's dream? Well, that's exactly what I did. It's equal parts necessity and pure, unadulterated selfishness actually. I can't go back to my house because it's void of all my belongings and will be rented out this week. And I can't really spend a month on John and Paula's couch. I could go live in Salem or Sutherlin I guess...but that wagon wheel has broken spokes. So I moved in with the woman I have been seeing off and on for a few months. More off than on lately though. I actually like her...but not well enough to shack up. No, certainly not well enough to become roommates. But that's just what I did, and Jesus do I feel guilty as hell about it! It should have wrapped up nicely last week before I left. We got a great hotel room downtown and had a happy little party and hotel room sex. We said all the usual things and had a heartfelt goodbye. And then I left. But no...not in The World According to Jim. In my world crap doesn't roll into a nice, tight spiral. It never can be so simple. So here I lay in her bed blogging as she sleeps off the vodka dousing she gave herself earlier tonight on stage. Perfect!

Let's see, how about some good news though? Well, I've lost 6 pounds this week on the crash Atkins diet and miles and miles of elliptic machine torture. So the 20 I needed to lose on Monday is now just 14. Thank God for small miracles. I may just actually make it to the desert yet! And the kids will be in town next week for a nice long visit. That's really good news because I missed not seeing them before I "left" last week. I'll actually get to see Caden for his 2nd birthday, and take Courtney to the horse races in Boise! Other than those things there really isn't much to be cheery about. But I feel better for have written something here about it all. Shit, it doesn't mean a damn thing...but then when has it ever?

-JF

32

Finally. After a year of waiting I am finally going back to work in Baghdad. I accepted the job and depart this Sunday, (tonight as I write it's early Wednesday morning), for Reno for some training and testing then I'll be off on July 2.

I'm not sure how to be feeling right now. That's not to say I don't feel overwhelmed, but simply that I don't know which is right or wrong at the moment. This week has been busy. I'm storing things and shutting off utilities. I'm scanning final documents and trying to say goodbye to friends. I'm excited yet sad, and unsure about most things now. I'm a bit afraid of leaving too. That's really hard to spit out, but not for the reason one might think. It's the unknown that worries me. I haven't shared this with many people, but once I leave I don't plan on coming back to Boise. The house will just be my rental property and the home I have known for 10 years will cease to exist. Every ounce of me wants to make a new home somewhere...to burn down the bridge to this life and its ghosts and skeletons, and just begin life with a fresh canvas. So that's what I plan to do, that is if I can muster the courage to walk away. We will see in a few weeks.

I have also decided to share this blog finally because once I'm gone I will no longer make entries to it. "All Is Well" is going to smolder in the ashes of that bridge too. What comes after is as much of a mystery to me as it is to those who will choose to read.

There's so much to be said tonight that I can't put into place. Soon, though, I'll have no choice.

-JF

Frame of Mind

May 20, 2011.

It's been almost a year since I started trying to get back to the desert. Finally, a job offer has come through. I'm relieved to be getting back to work, bummed I am going to Baghdad and not Kabul, and mixed about the direction I'm headed in general.

I was offered a spot in the group deploying in just less than 2 weeks. But I declined it because I have too much preparation to do and need more time. I'm hoping I can put them off for at least 30 days, that way I can button up the house and get it ready to rent, take care of my bills, see friends and family, etc. I had almost forgotten how contracting waits for no one. 10 days notice to pack up your life and move across the world is about standard. I'm not in the right frame of mind for that kind of living yet. But I will be.

-JF

Shark Week

It's May now and my quest for the desert has stalled, yet again. This time it's company B and the Eqip process. My security clearance was given an "Interim Declination." Doesn't that just have a nice bureaucratic eloquence to it? It means something in my Eqip raised a red flag on the State Dept's computer and now a human has to get involved. They say I will get a phone call in 30 -90 days! Sweet Jesus...3 more months of waiting!? Next month is June and will mark 1 year ago that I applied to go back overseas. One whole freaking year has gone by!

Personally, I have been swimming in more shallow waters lately. I met a nice woman who isn't married and actually seems to like me. She's all the things I could ever want in a woman, seemingly. Which is exactly why I'm suspicious! That's sick and demented, I know. It's beyond bad that I fully expect to screw it up or shove her out of my life the moment my fears or demons come out to play. Maybe I should take a pill or see a shrink about that nasty little habit of mine? Yeah, maybe I should, but I won't. Who am I kidding...the fish swimming around in my end of the pool are beautifully plentiful. But I don't swim with them, I eat them. I am a shark and only know how to do one thing...I kill everything in my path. Kill it dead.

-JF

Crossing Over

Once more I look to see myself in the streaks and smudges of time. My life is rippling there in the reflections of my watering eyes. It hurts to see so clearly. It hurts to have this clarity but not really see at all the things that need doing.

I see you though, there on old town loop making the most of your own misery. One minute a smile, the next a moan, and then the next a flash of gnashing teeth. You move between your emotions so well. They bend for you like comforting friends obeying every command. I wish mine would behave so well for me. Because they don't, our bright and shiny thing has finally turned cold and dark. I am done hurting myself for you. I can't make sense of it anymore...as if I ever did. I knew all along you were never crossing lines for me. Today though, I know I won't ever cross another for you.

-JF

Choking

A dear friend of mine told me recently that some of my thoughts and words were choking our relationship. As those words were pouring into my ears and filtering down into my brain I couldn't really understand what she was saying. I could see her mouth moving, and the sounds vibrating off my inner ear could almost be made out to be English. But nothing sunk in. Not one single word or thought she tried to convey made a dent in on my mind. Not until today, that is. I've been sitting here today thinking about all the things going on in my life. I have so much crap stacked up on the tarmac waiting to launch that if they were all to explode at once the color brown would become my new mental wallpaper. To say that I feel like I'm choking is an absolute understatement.

Springtime

A month has passed and there's a week to go until spring arrives. But it's still only Friday, no matter what time of year it is.

I'm missing out on something tonight that I can't seem to put my finger on. Whether it's the companionship of someone warm, or maybe just the counsel of a good friend. It feels like the ground opens and closes daily now for me. Each time it swallows a little more of my spirit. Once I figure out how to keep 5 or so steps ahead of the tear I should be just fine.

I breath a sigh of exasperated air from my lungs as I write this. Another opportunity to make money is approaching and I absolutely do not want it. I am in love with a woman whom I can't stay friends with for more than 3 weeks at a time. My money is running out. My car is broke down. The earth is shaking and washing away it's pain. And I can't even write the name of the one and only person who holds the key to all my mazes. She is so far way and I miss her, and I love her dearly.

But it's springtime and flowers are blooming in my yard. I am almost thrilled at the prospects.

-JF