Left Turn, Jim

I found an alternate route. A few weeks ago I applied for a security job in Baghdad with a company that a friend turned me on to. It's not what I do. By that I mean it's not what I want to do. It's a static security job on the BIAP, which means I'll be manning an armed post somewhere at one of the hundreds of checkpoints or guard shacks, etc. It pays less...is in Iraq...is a job a monkey could do...and I have no interest in it other than to get a ball rolling. A more stupid plan than this couldn't possibly be hatched!

Afghanistan has stalled yet again. The endless red tape and disorganized way that company operates has me at my wits end. I'm beginning to believe the negative comments I left as "feedback" for the training staff when I was in Virginia are coming back to bite me. I want to have faith in the process and people running it to be professional and apt, but here I sit 8 months into the process and am not any closer than I was 4 months ago.

So I decided to act. Waiting for someone else to decide where my life goes next has become something I am no longer willing to do. I need to believe that I am in control of what happens to me, and the appearance that I am doing something about it is just as important to my mental health as anything else I do now. No, I'm not going loony. But I believe now that feeling powerless is just as bad.

So I'm taking now what I hope will be the first step in a series of alternate routes. That's all life is, after all...just a series of left turns.

-JF

I Have A Secret

If a woman wrote a best selling novel about the secret to life's success and marketed it for all the worlds dummies to read...would I buy it? No. I have my own secrets, some of which would fetch 19.99 from Barnes and Noble too. I could put my secrets on a DVD and sell them to people looking for the DVD titled, "Secrets For Dummies." I could hire actors to portray "visionaries" and "philosophers" in the movie I make millions on. And I'm sure if I searched hard enough I could find quotes from famous dead people that would lend credo to my book of secrets. But it's not like that, I don't have a degree in marketing or psychiatry. I can't take advantage of the hordes of people out there searching for the quick fix to their broken dreams. I wish I could...I really do.

But alas, all I have are the notes I've made about living my life and keeping the secrets of it to myself. I don't believe there is a quick fix for what ails us. I don't think that we can simply will away our problems by crossing our legs and touching our thumbs and fingers together. Sure, I believe in the power of positive thinking. But I'm not gonna hold out hope that it brings me the winning lottery numbers. No, that would be just good old fashioned dumb luck, which has already bopped me on the head plenty of times in my day. And I didn't have to buy a book or DVD for the to have happened.

Here's the secret to my life: I believe in God. Yeah, it's that simple. I don't go out and recruit people to fight in His army or anything like that. Heck, I don't even go to church. I just do my best to believe and to live the life I am supposed to according to His plan. That's the secret. Or should I say...that's My Secret? Save your pennies because this revelation is free of charge.

-JF

An Old Town's Loop

At 3am, no one cares the color of my thoughts. I don't want to know where she's gonna take me. I don't mind if her window shades are only painted blue. I don't even care if you really love me, just take me home with you.

-JF

A New Year

Christmas turned to New Years and then better times to dark. January is half over and in just a few short weeks my world has spun...and spun...and spins.

My quest for the desert hit yet another snag. To say that I am frustrated or at a whits end is an understatement. I am back, for the 7th time, in the State Dept's background maze. Sending another address and locations on some map of an address...and having to explain my situation all...over...again is the order of the day! Since coming back from DC with high hopes of a looming deployment I have hit an absolute stall. *Sigh*

So I left town last week. Part of my mind needed to stretch and benefit from the fresh perspective that only the open road gives me now. But part of me needed to run away from life on Shelby St. too. I am struggling with a decision that's got me hanging from a rope, ten feet off the ground. I'm getting closer to finding my footing but it's been difficult. I came to Oregon to see friends and get away from the cold for a while. Sitting at home waiting has become so tedious that I must surely be killing the few brain cells I have left. So I deduced waiting here in Oregon would be just as easy. And so far, it has been. I spent the weekend with R&P in Salem and got a huge helping of love from them. My X-Wife has really become a cornerstone friendship in my life. Every time I am with her family I realize anew just how lucky I am to have met that woman 20 years ago. And then I came to see my soul brother, Randy, and his family. It's from his couch that I lay fighting a fever and writing these wee-hour thoughts. I loathe sleeping on a couch. Something about it takes me back in time to an unsettling place, not to mention it's uncomfortable as hell! But I make do because if I don't I won't ever get to fill my heart at this well. If Rita is a cornerstone then Randy is my lighthouse, the beacon that guides my mind, a safe harbor in the raging tempest that is my ridiculous life. I have also been reminded anew this week that spending time with him always is good for my spirit. This is the one and only relationship I have that never looks down a slope at me. I am never judged here, and love is the only order of business my dearest and oldest friend operates with. He is one of a kind and without his friendship I would be a lesser man.

And finally, there is one last sharp turn I have made on this trip. I think loop-d-loop is a better way of describing it actually. But however I describe my love life these days, crazy is the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am crazy for walking the tightrope I'm on now. It's mad to think I've allowed something like this to carry on to the level it's now at. I have done a semi decent job of keeping this woman a secret from the rest of my world. Not because she's unworthy of my adulation. In fact, she might be the woman of my dreams. She's beautiful, exotic, funny, witty, feisty, loving, and...married. Who does that? I do, apparently. I am not proud of my moral stance right now but won't do anything about it because loving her is like touching pure light. She's one of those human beings that "has it." We all know someone like this. They usually come and go in and out of our lives in a blur unless you are lucky enough to catch a ride and are able to hold on for the duration. Well, I've caught my lightning bold and until I can't stand the energy she burns me with I am keeping a firm grip. I say that so confidently...but it's a ruse. It's me who is being held and manipulated. I know it, I admit it here to myself and whoever else will someday read these entries. I don't feel the tug that should force me to stop. I ignore any and all adversity now because I am a junky...a puppy for her love. "Selfish" cannot begin to describe how I am right now. But in the end no description is needed because only God judges me now. I don't have the will power to do it myself.

-JF

My Christmas Wish

I'm waiting for you dear, waiting for you to forgive and then come and find me. The smile on your beautiful face, once just a crooked frown, now replaces an emptiness that I'm glad to see leaving. I wanted to hold you that night, as the evening's laughter turned to closed eyes and dreams of better times. I wish now that's all we had...better times to touch each other and fall asleep to the sound of soft breathing. That is my Christmas wish this year. If you only knew...you are always with me, the red star of all my dreams.

-JF

I Miss You

It's impossible to know why. Why do fond memories leave a bittersweet taste in my mouth? Why do I see red ribbons in dark skies? Why do I miss the worst parts about a love that never even existed? It's a mystery to me today, but I do.

-JF

Step 9

I spent the last 13 days in Washington DC. I attended “Selection Orientation and Training” with the company I hope will hire me for Afghanistan. I passed a battery of evaluations and tests, including an oral board and psyche eval. The psychiatrist said I had a bit of a “Superman Complex.” I told him it was tough being a superhero. And then I did a PT test that included a ¼ miles run and obstacle course, both timed. I did the run in decent time and breezed through the O’ Course. After that was all over and done with we settled in for what was supposed to be “the fun stuff.” I spent consecutive days on the shooting range and tactical driving course. They were remedial but still better than sitting in a classroom all day. Then the rest of the week was spent I classes covering assorted topics like “Afghan Cultural History”, “Situational Awareness”, and “Tax Prep for Dumb Contractors.” The tax guy was actually the best course of the whole day! So at week’s end we finished up with some defensive tactics, (for dummies too), and then spent what seemed like an eternity learning about the history of Afghanistan from a very nice man that didn’t realize his mouth was still moving after 8 hours of talking. When they shook my hand and gave me a certificate of completion I was more than ready to bolt out of there and head for the hills! I changed my flight home and stayed a few days on the east coast so I could drive up through Philly and NYC. I guess this whole affair has seemed ho-hum to me because I already did a mission oversees. Most of the 20 or so people in the training class were starry eyed and ready to eat Afghan nails when it was all over with. I, on the other hand, was only ready to hit the road and feed my hunger for change.

I think Johnny Mayer says it best in my ear these days. “Something’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it. Friends..check. Money…check. Well slept…check. Opposite sex…check”. I just don’t feel satisfied these days with the choices I’m making. Going oversees is becoming a burden on my mind. I’m half tempted to scratch the whole thing and buy a hot dog cart and sell dogs in downtown Boise. And my personal life is in complete flux too. I have 4 women, one of them married, in my life right now. Yeah, isn’t that a peach? What kind of idiot would get involved with a married woman at all…much less with a ton of crap already on his plate?! I wanted choices…but Jesus Jim! Why can’t I pick something, or someone, and just go with it? Shit…anyway.

So step 9 of 10 is complete. It’s taken a long time to get here, and I’m not over the last hurdle yet. But I need to document the process. So here I write. Oh yeah…I’ve begun to see shades of Red again and am not sure what to think about it. There’s only one shade on the planet capable of frightening me today and this is it. I may refer back to a Scarlett Letter I once wrote to get some perspective. I don’t know though…it feels kinda ok now. Maybe I’ll just go with it and see what washes out.

-Jim Franks