40

March 21, 2008

-He set my feet upon a rock

And made my footsteps firm

Many will see

Many will see and fear

I guess its fitting, or karma, or some damn cosmic thing that I am here on my 40^th birthday. As far as significance goes, this is supposed to be pretty big. I should buy a Corvette, or have an affair with a much younger woman, or maybe steal away to Vegas and do it all. But I don’t feel like that crisis is upon me now. I feel surprisingly content. My 40^th birthday in Iraq is, sorry to say, just another day in Baghdad.

I am sure everyone has noticed that I’ve fallen off the grid for the last month or so. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It’s as if my tank went bone dry and I ran out of meaningful things to say. I feel lately like I’ve lost my perspective and my voice along with it. There’s still plenty going on here worthy of conversation. But every time I sit down to write about it my laptop beats me down and wins that staring contest, and so I turn it off to show the damn thing I’m still in charge. But my fingers rest on the keys for 10 straight minutes until I finally give up trying to think about what I want to say or how I should say it. And so it has gone, until today. This morning I got a wonderful surprise from Cynthia, and through her I heard from the friends and family that truly matter…the ones that inspired me to share all of this in the first place…the people who mean the most to me. My loved ones, I thank you.

So the silly pictures of me and my life are out there for all to see. There’s no feign at pride now…not with the “Heart Shirt” picture out there on the World Wide Web for all to see. How can I inspire confidence with that photo there to remind me, (and everyone else!), of the scared boy I once was? Those pictures remind me of so many things. My brothers…we were three hellions terrorizing our mother. And my battle brother Randy… school daze. (I spelled it right…) My 20’s…did I wear those clothes and those glasses 20 years ago!? And being a young father…ah, my sweet angel Courtney. But mostly they remind me that I am here and alive today. I am the man I am now because of the boy and young man in those pictures.

I can’t help but feel like it was all set in motion years and years ago. Things tumble in and out of place over the years and the dominoes always fall just so. It doesn't always make sense to my analytical mind and that’s hard to accept. Those of you who really know me understand just how badly I need things to make sense. But maybe at 40 years old I can finally admit that life isn't always going to make sense…or more importantly, that it doesn't have to. If that goofy fat kid in the picture could make it all the way to Baghdad then maybe there really is more to all this than karma, or chance, or just cosmic fate. Maybe someone watches over me and has kept me safe and in good graces for all these years. I’m still not certain and I need to be. But here’s to hoping…and to 40 more.

-Jim Franks