Desert Daydreams

I'm close now. One day to go then I'll be leaving on a jet plane, and I don't know when I'll be back again. Everything this week has gone so well. I have breezed through all the checkpoints at company HQ thus far, medical, weapons quals, and security clearances. Tomorrow is Friday and with it comes the final chance for Murphy to apply his law to my long and arduous effort to get back to the desert. But I feel so strong now, nothing is going to stop me. I swear it's as if God is walking right in front of me opening doors and clearing pathways for me to stroll through.

None of the usual obstacles are here now. I am driven to succeed. I am being pushed on by a will and focus that I haven't possessed in years. I have felt for so long this urge or need to get back to the desert and it's a bit strange to be so close to finally doing it. I'm excited about what I think I am going to do there. No, no...it's nothing that I am actually going to physically do. Rather, I'm excited about what my mind is going to realize and what changes will occur in my life as a result. I am drawn back to an old quote I discovered the first time I was there. It goes:

"To the desert go prophets and hermits; through the desert go pilgrims and exiles. Here the leaders of the great religions have sought the therapeutic and spiritual values of retreat, not to escape but to find reality." -Paul Shepard

-JF

Providence

I finally made it back to Reno for training and hopeful deployment to Baghdad! It's been almost 3 months since I was here last and it seems like much longer than that. So much has happened in that short time. I got back together with Lori, lived with Lori, and broke up with Lori. I rented my house out and lived at Lori's, John and Paula's, and Rita and Paula's. I lost 41 pounds! I met and went out with a crazy woman in Salem that wanted nothing more from me other than motel sex. (That made me laugh to write. ) I am sure there's more but I can't think of it now.

It feels good to be here this time. Back in June it didn't feel right...like I wasn't supposed to be going yet. I was unsettled and anxious as hell then. But today I feel really good about my chances and the thought of getting back to work in Baghdad. I'm really optimistic about this company too. I have a feeling like it is going to lead me to bigger and better things. Maybe it's all in my head and the pills I always say I need would help me feel like this everyday regardless. But lately I have been getting the feeling that providence is playing a large role in the way things roll out for me. I bare the cross around my neck with pride in knowing God has a plan for me and that I'm walking it out now. Whatever happens I will accept it and know I'm once again, right where I am supposed to be.

-JF

Outside the Circle

Just a couple more days now. Can I say anymore prayers that will be sure to get me on that plane? Everything is set as far as I can tell. I've got the papers in, the bags are packed, my mind is wrapped around it, etc. So why the hell am I so scared?

I can't handle another set back I guess. I'm starting to see the man everyone else sees, the one that's talked about going for over a year now but is still here. I left my Idaho life partly because I couldn't look it in the eye anymore. The circle of people that don't judge me is very small indeed, and I don't think that I'm in it.

So send me the ticket already. Put a gun in my hand and let me feel the hot sun of the Arabian desert on my neck. I will smile and be so thankful for the first mouthful of sand I taste. Focus Jim, just stay focused.

-JF

HESCO

I guess today is about hope and the will to press on, even in the face of daunting pessimism. I've been a doubter for so long that it seems like there's no other way to survive. Of course the proof otherwise is obvious because here I am, alive and well and pushing forward towards another goal. But in my heads battlefield I can't see over the HESCO's that block the view of what's happening around me. I think I might need a pill to beat back the vile invaders that sweep across the landscape of my mind. Their teeth gnash sharp pointy spikes as they come for me.

How do we see ourselves through the eyes of the world around us? If the collective opinion of those I love says all is well then why can't I feel it. I want to be the sun in her eyes, the brightest star in her night sky, and the tide pulling it all in. But who is she, and when will it get to be me? I guess the focus should be somewhere else, especially now.

I feel you calling me home. I hear your words in my head telling me where to go next and how best to get there. I feel so bad for being a coward and not following the path you laid out for me. I am aware of the "No Apology Rule" we have in place so I won't offer one. I can only promise you, and myself, to keep trying. Keep Trying.

-JF

Set It Back

Set it back again. Reach way back into the 3rd or 4th tier and put it back on the shelf. That's where I am now, again.

It's becoming laughable. What was it this time that let my 9-11 flight come and go without me on it? Strep throat. Can you believe that? I caught Strep Throat and got pushed back yet again! I guess it's my fault, right? Who else can I blame but the one who makes the decisions? I ran it to empty last weekend and my body responded. I could blame it on the night and the woman I met there who stayed up with me through to the morning. But that would be silly because she was just caught in the tide and along for the ride. No, it was my fault for losing focus. This is my penance. 2 more weeks to wait. I leave now on September 26.

So I will stay here in Salem and do my best not to lose my mind. The antibiotics are finally kicking in and the infection eating my throat is dying. I got some sleep last night and then got to watch some NFL today. That makes life pretty good in my book.

-JF

Bless Me

More news. There's always more news! Lately it comes in waves and torrents like the surf crashing into me as I try to come up for air. So...

Turns out the Company had my last medical papers all screwed up and employee A didn't get them to Employee B, and Employee C thought she had all the ducks in a row and told me so. By the time I actually talked to someone on the phone there last Friday it was too late to get it fixed and me into the group that is departing this week. So Monday morning I made sure all the correct papers were in the correct hands and VIOLA! Just like that, I got my official invite to OPC Class starting Sept 12.

So, two more weeks of waiting. I think I am just going to stay here in Salem though and ask the company to fly me to Reno from PDX. The really cool thing is that I will be in the air on Sunday morning...9-11-11. Yeah, isn't that just awesome!? I hope something big cooks off and they have to ground all US air traffic and my plane sets down in Saskatchewan or some cool place like that! I've been to all the other cool places already...

In other news, my Corvette sold finally. I didn't get as much for it as I'd hoped but right now anything will suffice. So I will have some money now to pay off some bills and carry bug-out cash with me into the desert in case I have to bribe an official or pay my way out of radical Muslim slavery. I feel like the sale of the car signifies an end to an era. I loved that car but know it's just that...a car. I will buy another one someday if the need strikes me I guess. Or maybe just buy a bike and live in China and ride it among the masses as Robobike!

And the best news of the year came today too. Courtney and Carl are having a girl! I knew it, I knew, I knew it! The needle test is debunked once and for all and the grandpa theory stands as the only real proof of knowledge in the universe! I am so happy at the news of adding a little girl to our family. The implications are endless and I don't think the kids know just how different their lives are going to be now. I so love the fact that a girl will usher in some much needed balance to their lives. Carl will finally have to learn patience and find his softer side. What he doesn't know is that it's been there all along and now God is going to make it apparent to him. Caden is going to get to nurture his natural sibling protectiveness for a little sister that will always hold a place in his heart that he is now blessed to have. And Courtney will see just what kind of woman she really is, or is meant to be. I know she has always doubted and questioned her own instincts as a woman. But she is finally going to see that she truly is a natural born mother and nurturing a daughter will come as easy to her as a boy has. Ahh...they are so blessed and fortunate to have this news and someday I hope they'll realize just how this little angel has affected all of our lives.

Today, at this very moment, I feel the presence of God on my shoulder. He comforts me and reminds me that he's never as far away as I think. I am a blessed man, despite the dark places my mind goes to fight the demons who live there. Today, as with every other day, All Is Well.

-JF

Being Numb

I took my own advice and left. Yeah, I really showed her, (and myself), who's boss alright! I threw a bag together and left when she wasn't home. A cowards choice? Maybe, but in my own defense I really intended on just leaving for a while to clear my head and had every intention of going back to see what could be salvaged. I left all my things there that wouldn't fit into my bag anyway. But, of course, she decided to dump the last 2 months worth of crap out of her mind into one long email. I asked her over and over to share her thoughts with me, to fight with me, anything that would open up that mind of hers in a way other than to apply make-up. But of course she's the kind of woman that stores and lets things build before they explode in a bevvy of derogatory complaints. So after reading it I said goodbye to her for good. Poor John had to go and get all my things from her place for me. My brother always has my back, but one of these days I will have to clean up my own mess without him.

So I came to Oregon to stay with Rita and Paula for a while. My plan was to stay until I got my plane ticket to head for Baghdad. But, in perfect unison with the storm raging in my head, it's Friday and there is no plane ticket for Sundays supposed departure. Not only is there no ticket, but I haven't been able to get a response from the company for over a week now. Yes, yes, I know I should be used to the Contractors Run-Around...but it's a tune I just can't ever seem to get in step to. Maybe I'm not as good a dancer as I thought I was. I am so...sick...of...this! I know, I should just go get that Walmart Door Greeter job I have heard so many good things about right? I bet the Big W treats their employees much better than these contracting companies do! OK, but I digress. I wanted to say that while here in Oregon I went and spent 4 days on the Shining Star Ranch with Randy. It was a good and mostly pleasant visit. Good because my dearest and oldest friend and I had a chance to bond and clear the air of some unpleasant things that have been clogging up our friendship. And we got to spend a day floating the river and getting some always needed sun too. But that way of living is too hard on me now. I'm not as domesticated as my Zanja Brother is. Someday I pray that he and I will be able to enjoy life on the same page. Until then, we agreed on a base line for our relationship that will never fall below the minimum standard we set for each other long ago as boys playing in the dirt. I love him very much.

And on a similar note, while in Sutherlin I spent a little time with my married X-girlfriend. (That made me laugh to write that.) She's still just as married, and just as unhappy about it, as she ever was. I think I must still love her, although now it doesn't bother me like it used to. She will always be special to me if for no other reason than we shared hallowed ground once. But the poor girl is so unhappy and so unwilling to do anything about it that it just makes me really sad for her. She has the world on its' heels but doesn't have the courage to look down and make it bow. I wish she could see what I see. It was good to see her and put my hands on her skin once more, even if maybe for the final time.

So I guess I am going to spend the remainder of the day trying to figure out how to get a rudder into the water. That demon with the claws came and sunk them in, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. I don't know if that's because they aren't as sharp or maybe I'm just numb to it now. Whatever the reason, I wish I could learn to embrace the pain and lose myself in the sensations until the next time I come up for air. I'll tell ya, these days anything's better than being numb.

-JF